Thinking. in Since OD is shutting down....

Anyways, so I know my friend is going to ask soon if I’m planning on moving down there and I don’t know what I’m going to say. All I know is if I did, that would be showing poor judgment on my end. After what happened the last time we were there, I can’t imagine how much worse things could get and I won’t risk that again. The fact that these people acted like this not only in front of my child but their own, lets me know that things could have gotten much worse and I’m too worried about ever being around them again.

I honestly believe that he wanted me to end up getting stupid so I could risk going to jail and then I’d have to worry about not only my child, but then having pending charges. I think he wanted me to feel what he’s felt with losing certain freedoms and so he could turn around point the finger at my reaction instead of the focus on his behavior. I don’t want to be around anyone that would even try to provoke something like this. I just don’t trust him and I’m too scared of something like that happening because I am a single Mom. I have to always be mindful of my kid.

I just wonder what exactly it was that he was hoping to accomplish because I don’t think that controlling me was enough. I think the end goal was to get me to react to the point of me ending up in jail. I think it’s crazy that someone is this deep in their narcissism that they would want something like that to happen with someone like me who has more than enough problems. But I think the main thing was to get me to react so he could play victim. I would be foolish to ever go there again and that’s why I’m not.

My daughter fully understands why we aren’t moving there or even going to visit and it’s nice that she’s old enough to have these type of talks with.

I just wish these people understood that I was a completely different person 10 years ago and they should thank God that I’ve changed because otherwise I would have ripped him in half. He should be thankful that I didn’t react whatsoever and just left. I wasn’t scared of jail back then but I am now because I don’t have anyone to take care of my child. I don’t want to be around anyone that wants to trigger me enough to get me in a shit load of trouble. I just don’t need it and I will never put myself in a position like that again.

I have always walked this tightrope between forgiveness and stupidity with people and with him, it’s 100% stupidity. I used to put myself in really stupid unsafe situations because I didn’t know how to say no or because I was lonely and now, I make a lot better choices because I’m older and because my daughter is always my first thought. People need to understand that I HAVE to make good choices or it’s my child who is going to suffer and whatever I sign up for she is going to be affected by.

I also think it’s good to have bad experiences because it makes you appreciate the good ones. I also like raising my daughter in a positive world where things are calm and even get slightly boring. I don’t have much drama here and our peace is indescribable. I like where we’re at. I know that I would still like to move there one day but now isn’t the time and maybe when the time comes, we’ll end up staying here or maybe going somewhere else. I just don’t want to worry about someone controlling me or being vulnerable to someone’s behavior when they’ve shown me that it’s never good.

I’m glad that he’s acted the way he has every time we’ve visited so I have really good insight into what it would be like if we did live there. It would be all his own way every single time we hung out and I would have no say in anything and that’s not how I want to live.