Inadequate. in Since OD is shutting down....

Okay so my daughter went with her big sister yesterday for a couple of hours and then we picked up my niece and went to 2 different parks and the dollar store. My brother came and got her this morning and said my kid can maybe come later but she was a tad upset because they had discussed her coming over but we’ll see if ‘later’ actually happens. I never understand why the fuck it is such a big deal for my daughter to go over to their house. He never asks for her to come over like I do with his kid and it’s pretty fucking ridiculous.

So to make up for it, we went to the park for awhile and then I was uncomfortable because there was a girl there that I knew and I was afraid she was going to talk to me and then we left after 30 minutes. We then went and got food somewhere and hung out for awhile. I have let my daughter know that we are going to cut back on getting fast food because it’s super unhealthy and it’s a lot of money. We get fast food a lot more than I’d like to admit and we need to start cutting back. We seriously have food at home and need to start eating it. I’m sick and tired of constantly spending money on food when we don’t have to.

I only have so much money in savings and when it’s gone, it’s fucking gone. I still have to pay car insurance for the month and the gym membership. I’m not sure if I’ll keep paying for that because we never go and I don’t know if I plan to. Part of the reason I got it was in hopes that she could go there over the Summer but it’s still expensive as fuck and they have a waiting list as long as my arm so it’s not going to happen anyways.

My daughter makes me feel like no matter what we do and no matter how much money I spend, I’m still not doing enough. I feel very inadequate. I know that she doesn’t mean to and everything but I just get frustrated constantly spending money on random crap that she doesn’t need when I’m sitting here needing new clothes for Summer and would really like a new pair of sandals. I’ve had the same pair even since before having her. The sacrifices being a parent are never ending. It’s maddening always being the fun gate keeper while the other parent won’t even keep a fucking job because he doesn’t want to risk pitching in to help with his own child but then says I’m the on that’s oppressed!

I’m also thinking about the Summer program and pray to God that my daughter gets in because otherwise I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with her all Summer. I know that she can go to the other program in July but that’s a ways off so in the mean time, I’m terrified that I will go broke taking her to do stuff when that’s all the money we have and I still have bills to pay. I’m really sick of being the only one responsible for absolutely everything. It’s definitely wearing on me but there’s nothing I can do about it. I know there’s plenty of things we can do that don’t cost anything or super cheap but I have to constantly be mindful of the money going out because I have no way to replace it!

My parents said that they’ll give me some money on Wednesday so that’s a help and I’m going to call tomorrow and try to get a quote on cheaper car insurance. I’m just so overwhelmed with everything and my main concern is having that program for my daughter to attend because the past 2 Summers have been pretty stressful trying to keep busy. It would be nice if we at least had a yard so we wouldn’t have to go to the park but we don’t.

I just wish the people around us cared more about us and actually wanted to help. But no, it’s just me every single day. But tomorrow, I plan to fill out the paperwork for the Summer program and then I should hear something by the 10th. I’m going to try and manifest good vibes with this and keep in mind that most of the these kids are able to go elsewhere so hopefully it will all work out but in the meantime, I’m definitely sweating it. It’s just so stressful having EVERYTHING on my shoulders while he has none at all. I really hope he thinks really wonderful things of himself as a man and as a ‘Dad’ because he ain’t shit!

My brother messaged him and of course he didn’t respond. I’m sure it’s because he’s been drunk all weekend and doesn’t have a lie prepared. I’m sure he’s done with the whole working thing again because I think what happens is he gets a job and then the realization of CS kicks in so he stops showing up. This guy has done absolutely everything within his power to avoid any and all responsibility to his child and yet I’m still expected to be unfair. All I can hope for is that this shit catches up to him and he actually has to answer for it someday.