why even bring it up in just testing

Work was OK - busy.

1 thing I didn't mention about the beach day with Will.

We were in a bar but it was a big bar that attached to the beach. Lots of families were there and at one point Couple A [the wife anyway] was getting googily eyed over a cute baby.

And so we all ooh'd and ahh'd a little but - we didn't talk to the family of the baby or anything.

And Will says to me 'if we have a baby we can take it into bars now' or something like that - I dunno cause we were drinking and I looked at him and was like 'I'm getting on birth control next month, you don't have worry about taking a baby anywhere'

And that was kinda the end of that but I just don't know why he even brings it up.

He knows how much I wanted a baby and we had so many fights over him saying he didn't want a baby and how much it hurt me.

And then it was the phase where he said he would have a baby but basically only because I want one and he didn't want to deny me. And we almost started trying to have a baby that way but in the end I didn't want to have a baby with a man who wasn't full in from the get go.

Now with a serious look at our finances, even if he was all in, we can't afford it. We can't afford it. So we're not gonna do it. Plus I'm morbidly obese, as it he, he works 6 days a week even though we have no money due to bills. We don't have the health, time, money, space, nothing.

Not to say I don't want to have a baby but we're not in the situation. And sometimes I'm sad about it. But sometimes I see how hard and time consuming it is to have a baby and I don't want one.

I just don't know why he brings it up.

But we've even had fights over bringing it up and because he dramatizes and exaggerates he says things like 'fine, I'll never talk about it' or 'fine, you'll never have to hang out with anyone who has a baby ever again' , etc.

I'm not saying he can never talk about it or that we can't be around people or places that have babies - I just don't know what I want I guess.

Sometimes I want to go back in time and make better choices - somehow live another life. If only I could go back in time and pick a better major and be a straight A student and get a well paying job in something I'm good at and interested in.

But anyway, what he said about babies was a split second thing I'm over analyzing.

He also complimented how good my capri's fit. I've gained weight - so they're tighter - but he just likes tight pants. I should write out a whole entry about how much he likes my fat ass.

But I won't.