Sugarcoated bullshit. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have some deep thoughts I’d like to journal. So the weekend before this last one, my daughter mentioned how my Mom doesn’t come around and I told her that I used to ask all the time and she never came so I quit asking. Over the years, I completely exhausted myself trying to hold my Mom and her sperm donor in a certain regard for them to be consistent with her to the point where I would be physically sick and would cry my eyes out after she went to bed and now I have let my daughter know that if we see them, we see them and if we don’t, that’s fine too.

Along with not holding anyone to a certain regard when it comes to my child, I won’t continue to sugarcoat things and inadvertently defend their absence any longer. I feel as long as I’m not trash talking anyone or saying anything too raw or making it seem like they are bad people, I think it’s the best thing I can do so that my daughter understands reality with this. She’s almost 6 and she’s noticing that they aren’t around and I want her to know that it’s on them. It’s nothing that I’ve done and it’s definitely nothing she’s done, it’s their own choice. I see women on Tik Tok going as far as saying, “if they wanted to, they would” and I definitely wouldn’t go that far because to me that’s too harsh.

All of these people need to understand my daughter is getting older and she’s starting to connect the dots and know that they aren’t around because they don’t want to be. She knows that they aren’t busy 24/7 and that effort could be made on their end. I know for myself, I can’t keep expelling my energy begging anyone to make my daughter a priority anymore. I spent YEARS doing it and became really depressed and angry because not only were they not present for her but tried to go as far as blaming me. What’s nice about this is she is old enough to understand more and more of what’s going on and she’s seeing for herself how it actually is.

Even like when I’m on the phone with my Mom, she always has me on speakerphone because we gotta make sure that he’s able to listen in. I even jokingly mention her coming over or babysitting and things IMMEDIATELY become tense. She doesn’t ever offer to come around nor do I even feel comfortable asking and I haven’t in quite some time. I know better. I also haven’t had any contact with her Dad for about 6 months now and I’m not willing to jeopardize my mental health and my peace to even try a conversation again.

I think my daughter and I both full accept our situation but I think we’re allowed to have a moment or a day where we wish it was different. I wish people understood that if they made my daughter a priority, she would be so appreciative and yeah I admit, I love getting breaks but the break isn’t just for me, it’s for her too. I’m glad that I definitely am in a better place where I don’t feel so overwhelmed and stressed out but it would be nice if there was ever anyone to call if I needed a break but there never has been and I know well enough to not even bother asking anymore.

We were dealt a pretty shitty hand in all of this but I am determined to make the best of it and stay positive. I’ve had my days where I’ve let the actions of others make it to where I couldn’t get out of bed or even function and I refuse to do that anymore. My daughter deserves and happy, healthy Mom and that’s what she gets every single day. I have spent enough time being upset over other people. Sometimes I think you have to just take a step back and let people be the parent or the grandparent that they are because your kid is going to see it for themselves.

I think as long as I’m not coming right out and bashing anyone or saying too much, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to be transparent. I think kids not only deserve the truth but it’s also sparing them from sitting around worrying about people that are obviously not worried about them. If they cared, they’d make it known. I tell my daughter what I know she’ll understand and what’s age appropriate. I want her to know that these people aren’t around and probably aren’t going to be so it’s cool to just go about your day.