quietly waiting in 2014

9:53pm

I have to start getting ready for bed here shortly. We have a busy day planned for tomorrow at work. I knew this was going to happen here at the end but I'm trying to remember to take it one day at a time. Even at our busiest it's not something I can't handle. Relax and follow the motions. That's how my days should go from here until the last one.

But dude! I can't even believe what a good place I'm in right now. Like one of the best places I've ever been. Obviously I'm not talking physically. I could think about a dozen places that would probably be nicer [although I really do love my room with all the pictures on the walls]. Emotionally though! I'm having some of the best days.

I still have my 'down' days. I mean I may have even shed a few tears last night because I just can't seem to understand how the world works. [Do we really need to know that anyways?] And I like to feel all of my emotions, even the 'bad' ones. I don't believe in holding them in anymore. It's nice to understand that sometimes you need a good cry, or curse the world for a few minutes. Once that's out, you can move on. That's something I practice all the time now. Although I've always sorta been really in touch with my emotions so this isn't crazy new to me. It'll take time to get used to it if you're a beginner.

None of that changes the fact that my headspace is in one of the best places it's ever been to. I expressed some of this yesterday. All the little things meaning so much. Today was good too. Nothing in particular happened. I mean nothing that I could attribute this good mood to, but it's just this feeling I have on the inside.

I'm starting to feel at peace with other things too. Like this whole CK thing. I know I keep bringing it up. It's been so different. He's completely impossible to read and I've never had these particular thoughts about any one before. So it makes me feel like something strange and amazing is going on, but I can't explain it and I don't know how to deal with any of it either.

I think that maybe I am finally reaching this place where I'm ok no matter where this goes. Like if he disappeared I wouldn't completely fall apart. It would suck, don't get me wrong, but I have to believe that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to. Honestly it's so much easier to live with faith in that. The world is going to work itself out the way it wants to. It's not going to honor every single one of your plans. I'm not going to throw everything up in the air and let it land where it may, but I'm not going to fight so hard anymore. It's exhausting.

All of this might have something to do with the fact that I still glance out the window whenever I hear a loud truck and I'm getting quite annoyed with myself. Sometimes I just .know. when he's driving through though. Like today when I heard that familiar sound, glanced up to see a trailer, and peeked out over the sign to see it being tugged along by his blue truck. Why it brings me some weird sort of comfort to see that stupid thing, I have no idea..

I need to start focusing more on myself. There are so many things waiting to be done and I can't keep stalling. If I have to travel this whole world by myself then I need to learn how to be okay with that. To accept the fact that if I keep [consciously or subconsciously] waiting for someone to come with me, I might miss out on every thing I have ever hoped to accomplish. That doesn't seem like the way to go about it all. I'm too young to be worried about getting tied down.

[sidenote: my coworkers and I were talking the other day about having a family, dating, etc. And it some how came out that if I waited 10 years to get married and have kids, my mother would be in her 70s. That's crazy!
And even though I try not to let it, these things influence my decisions. Like maybe I need to sacrifice some of my independence so that she could possibly see, God willing, a new generation of our family. That's not completely irrational, is it? Because I want her to be a part of this maybe future in a way that I never got to experience.....Now someone just needs to find me a husband asap ;-) ]

You know, it's so nice when you finally reach this space in life where everything feels this way. I didn't know what I was missing. I never thought I could live a life that wasn't all dark and gloomy. I thought that I was destined to be that way forever. That being "happy" was one of those impossible achievements only certain people were able to experience. Who knew that this whole time it was all sitting inside of me. It was just waiting for me to stop punishing myself for things that I had absolutely no control over.

It was just quietly waiting to be found.

rose.
10:30pm

Last updated July 25, 2014