Groceries in just testing

I bought some veggies and nice stuff and plan to make a nice dinner.

I dunno what I wanna make yet.

Today was OK at work. Sometimes I feel like... I have to do a lot of things and when things aren't perfect - or someone catches a mistake - I kinda get defensive in my own head. Like, well of course mistakes are gonna happen when you put so much responsibility on me - but I would never say that I feel like I have too much cause then they won't trust me to do things.

Double edged sword. I know that a person should be able to say they're overwhelmed without it being a bad thing - but if I were to say that I feel like it's a lot sometimes, it would be like a bad thing. They give me this stuff because they think I'm so good I can handle it. If I admit I can't handle it then it's like I'm saying I'm not as good as they think I am.

I dunno if it's cause I'm so close to maybe getting a raise that them finding mistakes in my work is making me upset. Or if it's my period making me over upset. It's such a stupid little thing, and not even totally my fault cause the thing that was wrong is something 4 other people touched at one point but it's mainly my thing and when it's wrong I feel at fault.

I apologized and they weren't even looking for an apology. They know 4 different people deal with it but then they were kinda like, with 4 people doing this - there should be more double checking so nothing is wrong.

I don't want double checking. I want to just do it perfectly and no one to talk about my stuff!

Which I know sounds stupid - no one does everything perfect all the time. I'm not even a perfectionist. I'm just easily embarrassed and I hated that any portion of any day was taken up fixing something I'm responsible.

And I handled it totally professionally I think and acted kinda like 'oops, my bad, this won't happen again' but really I could have just ran away sobbing cause that's how embarrassed I was - but the only reason I didn't do the 'running away sobbing' thing is cause that's even MORE embarrassing!!

Ugh, whatever.

Cramps.

I got my period at 9am yesterday - at work - and it sucks but it was fine. About 9pm last night is when my uterus decided to KICK MY FUCKING ASS and drugs did nothing. I prob feel asleep at midnight - got up at 5am for work - and took more drugs cause I still felt like shit.

I'm better now - but a little afraid of my ass getting kicked again tonight.

I know that women don't want special treatment at work and stuff and I can't take off a few days every month for my period cause men don't get to do the same thing but for God's Sake - Men don't deal with anything like this!!

I wish they did.

If men had any disease that hit them once a month - every month - for 50 year of their life - I'm sure they'd work out a way to stay home and gripe about it but still get paid for it because when it happens to a man it hurts a lot more than when it happens to a woman. When it happens to a woman she's over reacting. When a man has the same reaction it's because it actually was that bad.

I don't even know why I'm babbling about this cause nothing's gonna change - not in my life time.

I'm gonna work, every menstral cycle, for all my life.

Well Kinda cause I'm working on getting that depo shot.

I'm kinda annoyed cause my regular doctor also does pap smears. So I kinda figured she was a gyno.

I called the office today to get a yearly exam and talk about depo and the office was like - we don't do depo, you gotta go to a gynecologist, this doc just does pap smears.

What?

Fuck.

So now I gotta find a new doc. Or a separate doc or something.

But I like my doc. Can't they just order my depo and give me the shot - it would be impossible for me to do it myself and I'd always be worried I'd do it wrong and end up preg.

Rawr.

I need things to be easier.

tomorrow's Friday.

but not payday....