WFH. in Since OD is shutting down....

So since I don’t have any help here outside of school hours, I have been applying at work from home jobs and hopefully will find something soon. I’m definitely concerned about money and I really want to work again. It’s bullshit that my Mom doesn’t drive anymore and I am too concerned about my Dad being around my child for any amount of time because he’s always managed to make me feel like I don’t have any say over my own child and I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I would have to rely on her because if she were to help, he’d be right there attached to her damn hip.

My Mom has made really bad decisions all these years by being with him and allowing his fucking behavior and I refuse to ever allow anything bad to happen to my child. My top priority is to keep her safe and not have unsafe adults around her. In reality, my Dad should be in prison and I will never trust him whatsoever. My friend and I were talking the other day where she even said my daughter would be safer at home by herself then my Dad being around. I’ve watched him wait for my Mom to get up and go to the bathroom, look down at her phone, or go inside for a drink and then look at my daughter in a really perverted way.

I’m angry that I couldn’t ever even tell her SD about this shit because he would just turn it around on me and make it seem like I’m an unfit parent instead of stepping up and helping with her when/if it was needed. I carry around so much crap all the time and I feel like I’m going to explode. I see a lot of women in the same exact spot I’m in and it’s just crazy how many deadbeats there There’s so much about solo parenting that’s really scary and I constantly live in a state of stress.

I think the majority of the reason he doesn’t like my Mom babysitting is because he knows I don’t want him around my kid so therefore he can’t keep an eye on my Mom too. My Dad is a really insecure person and that’s why he makes it to where he’s around my Mom every minute of the day. I get that she stepped out but he’s always been like this. I think his main issue is if he can’t control EVERYTHING then he’s going to hold on to whatever control he does have by making sure my Mom doesn’t babysit.

There’s just so much he’s done that I will never trust him and I don’t care if he’s nice or he gives me money, it doesn’t rewrite history. Even now well into my 30’s, he still manages to make me uncomfortable and I keep his contact with my daughter at hello and that’s enough. I think my Dad has a lot of issues that should have been addressed decades ago and I know that he’s not safe for my child and I will continue to keep her away from toxic, selfish, and unhealthy people and I don’t give a fuck who has a problem with that.

I’m angry that my daughter and I have been dealt with a really shitty hand. She asked last night about my Mom and I asked her if it bothers her that she doesn’t come over and she just nodded. I told her that she still comes by some and she responded with, “to get the laundry” and I didn’t really know what to say. She’s getting older and understands that people should be more present than what they are. I think we both completely accept our situation but we do have our moments where things get to us. I guess it’s good that my daughter is realizing that people are just completely inconsistent now because she’s going to deal with a lot of this throughout her lifetime so it’s probably best that she starts to understand things now.

I’ve always been very adamant about people being consistent with her and I know how much it’s hurt me that they aren’t but she’s gotta learn this stuff now and be able to handle it as she gets older. It’s sad that the people that should be around the most are around the least. With people being inconsistent, it’s been a really cruel life lesson but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t make people show up for her and I can’t make them care. People are going to come and go and people will also come and stay. There’s lots of reasons why things are like this but we just have to take it in stride and go where the love is. I’m definitely grateful that we’ve been able to have my niece spend the night and she’s able to hang out with her just about every weekend and she does have a big sister now.

I realize now that I’ve probably spent too much time being upset about others choosing to be absent because my daughter has definitely adjusted and she’s doing alright. I know that she’s upset that my Mom doesn’t make more effort but she’s getting through it. I’m glad that she pretty much always has stuff to look forward to on weekends and we go out and do things as well. I don’t feel the need to try and over compensate for others absences anymore because I know my daughter is going to be just fine. I have learned to not have any expectations of these people and hold them to any regard anymore because I literally exhausted myself doing that. Sometimes you have to step back and let people be what they are because your kid is going to figure things out on their own.

I was on Tik Tok yesterday and they were showing a clip of Teen Mom and how Chelsea let her daughter figure out her Dad on her own and I definitely think that’s the best way. I would like to do that with my child but every time I allow him to see her, I’m sorry for it because all it does is make things harder for my kid. All she’s ever known regarding her Dad is hurt and confusion. I’m resentful that he chooses to be absent but then I give him a chance to take her and then all he’s doing is poisoning her against me and then she’s acting out at school. He doesn’t care because he’s not the one being affected.