Barriers. in Since OD is shutting down....

Anyways, so I got a couple of errands to run that I’ve been putting off but I’m going to get them done today and then don’t have to worry about it next week. I’m waiting for my friend to call and then I’m going to go. I’m still applying for jobs on Indeed and trying to figure out what I’m going to do. Even with work from home jobs, they require 6 weeks of training where you have to work until 5:30pm and I wouldn’t be able to commit to that because there isn’t always the after school program.

I just don’t know what exactly I’m going to do but sitting around making myself sick with worry isn’t helping either.

His brother will message once in a while and get angry any time I mention him. I guess it makes me want to talk about him more because everyone is always so quick to dismiss me. As much as I accept my situation, I’m still going to feel my feelings and I refuse to allow anyone to tell me how to feel. This guy left me with a lifetime of responsibility and I’m not supposed to ever express anger, sadness, or feeling overwhelmed?! Fuck that!

My niece spent the night and we took her home a little while ago. We are now waiting on the big sister to come. She’s now pushed it back 30 minutes which could potentially throw back our schedule because she might still go to my brother’s house for a little while and then we need to do dinner and bath time because there’s school tomorrow. It’s annoying that there’s like nothing going on and then everything all at once and then worry about things not lining up.

This has been a tough year with her starting school because her Dad managed to come around and fuck things up for about 6 weeks so I couldn’t get a job because the school was blowing up my phone everyday because she was acting out and then there was times where I had to go get her right then. I also had to deal with PT and getting my injection. I’m still concerned about being in pain so I have to be mindful of what jobs I’m even applying for because there’s still no chance in hell that I could be not only on my feet but standing in the same spot for too long.

It’s also bullshit that so many places here are still paying people $10/hr because you can’t live on that but it’s just enough to make sure that you don’t get any help either. Not a lot of places offer health insurance so I worry about not making enough money and trying to afford my medications and what not out of pocket. I just think that because health insurance is a requirement that it should be through these employers as well!

This weekend has gone incredibly fast. The house is all but cleaned up, I’m now waiting to do laundry. It’s like every time I go to do it, someone has the machines running. Like wtf, am I to get up at like 2am to do my fucking laundry! I’m just so irritated.

I need to get a job because I spend entirely way too much time in my head and sometimes I feel like I’m going go crazy. My anxiety becomes crippling. I think I ignored my feelings for so long that now I feel everything to the point where I can’t handle it. I also spend way too much time by myself and that’s never a good thing. I’m also ADHD and have high function anxiety so I’m always going at a 100mph anyway and sometimes I’m just exhausted at the end of the day but I still can’t sleep.

Sometimes I just feel so angry that my daughter and I were failed by everyone around us. No one cares like they should. Nothing is ever going to change. It’s hard to swallow and try to every day.