Weddin. in The Devil Beneath My Feet

Eric's sister Amanda got married yesterday to her fiance Stuart, aka Stooby Wooby aka Woobs aka Weenie Hut General. I don't think anybody was really aware of his last name until the invites came out and even then some people were like "oh yeah." yesterday when they got the ceremony pamphlet things. Everybody just called him Stooby Wooby, and his family were referred to as "The Woobies"

The wedding was lovely, she looked beautiful, her bridesmaids looked beautiful, Woobs looked handsome, really everything was just gorgeous.

The only gripe i think anybody had was that it was so far away. I mean the place it was at was gorgeous, but it was a pain in the ass to get to, and because Stuart is from South Africa, and a lot of their friends live in London/Australia/all over the goddamn place they kind of spanned this wedding out over the course of like 3 days, which wound up being great for the foreigners but pretty much no one else. The place she had it at was 2 hours away from her CLOSEST relatives. So, far enough to be a huge inconvenience. We went down to Pennsylvania on Friday night for her rehearsal dinner, which was nice, the food was great and the restaurant was really cute. But then a lot of people were getting hotels nearby so they could go back, crash, and then just have to get up and get ready for the wedding. This was our plan, we were going to just go get a cheap hotel room and head off to the wedding in the morning. EXCEPT.

We find out at the restaurant that the wedding doesn't even start until 3pm, and Amanda wants Eric there at 2 for pictures etc. So we were like well fuck that! Gas home and back again costs half as much as a hotel room and we get to sleep in our own damn bed with our puppy! So we went home, and the next day slept in, got up, had breakfast, got ready, and off we went.

Oh, and at this rehearsal dinner. Everybody is drinking, having fun, Amanda's friends have pretty much swarmed her and the older family members are sitting in the corner drinking wine and conversing. Amanda's siblings, however, are kind of all over the place. This is basically Eric's least favorite situation. He doesn't drink, is annoyed by drunk people, and despises large crowds. His perfect situation is just being home, alone, or in a small group. His brother Dave, however, loves this kind of shit. So when we said we were going to go home afterward Dave, mister high and fucking mighty all of a goddamn sudden, goes "Dude. Seriously." all shitty and dripping with attitude.

Yeah. Seriously. Eric is like "What?" "Well we were HOPING that you'd come back to Rich and Marni's place to hang out and stuff after this." (Rich and Marni being the two most obnoxious people i've ever fucking met that Amanda is friends with) Eric goes "Ah. Nah, we're gonna go home." Dave gives him this shitty look and is like "well, i'm just saying. We were talking earlier about how nice it is that you're here, you're kind of absent for 99% of family functions whether by design or circumstance, we were hoping you'd stay and hang out."

FUCKING EXCUSE ME, REWIND, ASSHOLE.

Absent?! ABSENT!? WHEN ARE WE EVER FUCKING ABSENT!? WE'RE AT FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!!! EVERYTHING THAT EVER FUCKING HAPPENS WE ARE THERE BUT SOMEHOW, WE NEVER FUCKIN SEE YOU OR YOUR WIFE THERE!!!! Because literally 100% OF THE FUCKING TIME, YOU LEAVE BEFORE WE EVEN GET THERE OR YOU JUST DON'T SHOW UP. You wanna talk about fucking absent, holy fuck.

How about the fact that since we built our house, a WHOPPING 20 MINUTES AWAY FROM YOU, you've been by ohhhhh, twice? Once to help lay down half a room of hardwood flooring and once to come borrow tools from Eric and then oh yeah by the way you need to be taught how to use these fucking tools successfully ruining whatever plans we had? Fuck you. Fuck you so fucking much oh my fucking god. I'm so fuckin angry even thinking about his bullshit guilt trip i'm literally slamming keys on this keyboard.

I HATE people that pull that guilt trip shit. All you're trying to do is make someone feel badly about a decision they made WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT WHY THEY MADE THE FUCKING DECISION. MAYBE HE'S ON MEDICATION THAT WE FORGOT AT HOME, but no, please, make him feel like a dick because he can't go back to the apartment of a couple that both of us fucking hate to play drunken guitar hero with assholes like you.

At one point Dave says something like "we should stop and get fireworks, we're in PA." and considering i was driving, i said no. No, we're not stopping for fireworks. For a couple reasons. 1.) First and foremost, we are already an hour and a half late because Dave decided he needed to go get a haircut and then also shower and THEN pack all of his stuff when i went to PICK HIM UP TO LEAVE. 2.) I want you out of my fucking car as soon as possible because i cannot fucking stand you. and 3.) I don't like fireworks. Where the fuck were you planning on setting these off, Dave? My house, surely, because Eric will be with you and you can probably guilt him into letting you, except no. I live there too, and i will not have you setting off fireworks in my yard and scaring the shit out of my dog. The answer is no.

HE SERIOUSLY TRIED TO GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT IT. "What's wrong with fireworks?!" wah wah boo hoo how about when your fucking wife shows up tomorrow for the ceremony, let HER drive you home and make HER stop for fucking fireworks and then you can set them off wherever the fuck you like, away from my house. Because i'm not putting my dog through it, and i happen to think they're fucking obnoxious anyway.

Just....it's WEIRD, you know, because theoretically, Dave and I should be friends. Like we have the most interests in common. He likes comics, i've been into Marvel since before i even knew how to read them. He's a Star Wars fan, i'm a Star Wars fan, he likes metal, i like metal, he made a joke the other day from Patton Oswald's bit on the Damn Yankees, Patton Oswald happens to be one of my favorite comedians! We really do have a lot in common, but literally EVERY FUCKING TIME I SEE HIM he's too busy being a giant fucking asshole and parading around like he's cooler than everyone despite apparently not getting the memo that if you're under 75 years old and wearing a fedora you're basically announcing that you're a retard.