So today I did something I never thought I would do... I sent some private photos to Alistair.
I mean, it's not like it's a bad thing, I didn't feel forced into it and he didn't really ask for them, I just kind of wanted to and it felt like a good time. We're about to come up on our one month anniversary in a few days and we've basically spent 8-16 hours a day everyday together for over a month. I've never really sent anything like that to anyone else except for my ex boyfriend when I was high school and that was over 6 years ago.
I was definitely nervous and embarrassed about it because of my weight but he was super sweet and into them which is definitely a confidence booster for sure.
I do wonder a little if maybe it was a tad soon, a month doesn't seem like a long time when you say it out loud but to be honest if we had met each other in real life we probably would have been sleeping together much sooner, maybe not with how shy I am and being a virgin and all but I figure we would be by now so the more I think about it the less of a deal it becomes.
But I still made sure to keep myself safe. I didn't show too much, my underwear stayed on, and I never had my face in any of the shots so they couldn't be attached to me no matter what. I'd like to think that he would never show them or put them on the internet but guys do really cruel things if a breakup is bad enough and protecting my future is more important no matter how much I love him.
We had a really good evening last night and today. Just hanging out and talking; no heavy talk like a yesterday morning. He stayed out very late last night (didn't get home until 4:30am) which worried me to death but he stayed up several hours with me (we went to bed at like 9:00am) after the fact and we just had a great night and an even better day today. I feel a lot better about us and am going to stop worrying about lasting forever and just taking it one step at a time.
I was just so scared of him becoming uninterested and leaving me 10 years from now that it was freaking me out very bad. But I just feel a lot better today and going forward in general both physically and emotionally. I figured, there is no point in trying to hide parts of me that I don't like from him because I'm afraid of him not loving me because of what I don't love about me. We're going to be living together, whats the point of hiding something for a year that he's going to be seeing anyway and wasting all of that time if it's a deal breaker for him?
I'm just going to work on me for me even if he thinks I don't need to change and get what I want out of life both physically and academically.
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