Gravity Wants to Bring Me Down in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

Okay, so the conclusion to this whole thing where I’ve been going back and forth with this guy in order to SHOW and PROVE my feelings for him (barf) has officially concluded.

This morning he Facetime’d me on my way to work and actually had the audacity to ask me why I “insert” myself into conversations. He said that yesterday when he suggested I don’t go back to work, it was specifically for my benefit of choosing something I’d rather do. It had nothing to do with him WANTING me to stay at his house, but rather that I choose to do something I would rather do. He also brought up the conversation I also mentioned in the previous entry where he mentioned having a CRAVING for pu$$y and me asking if the craving was specific to mine or just any woman’s in general.

As if it’s just hard for him to comprehend that I might want someone who says they care for me to tell ME specifically that they want me. I’ve honestly never been in this position before. I’ve never had someone be so emotionally withdrawn that they can’t meet my emotional needs or my need for physical touch, acknowledgment and just a simple reminder here and there that they miss me, want to see me, want me or whatever.

So against my better judgment I explained this to him. I WANT TO BE WANTED. I think he compares me to his ex wife because he said that she was an attention seeker, and did everything for the validation of everyone else. However, I just want to be SEEN by the person I have romantic interest in. This is not a difficult thing to comprehend or understand UNLESS you’re this person. Anyway, he told me that if and when he felt those things that he would let me know in his own way, and that he didn’t want to risk asking me to stay and therefore leading me on. As soon as he said that, I immediately checked out. This is exactly what I needed to hear. If you don’t want to “lead me on” it means the feelings are not mutual and I need to adjust my behavior accordingly.

I mentioned this to him. I said, I appreciate his honesty, but would adjust my behaviors accordingly. My behaviors in the last week have been extremely vulnerable and focused on my romantic feelings for him. Making sure that I am doing the “actions” to show him how I feel. I spent all of this time and energy on FLUFFING his ego (that’s how I see it, as I never received the same energy in return). Even a dog gets a bone eventually, and here I am doing all of this and putting myself out there to get nothing in return. He was upset when I said I would adjust my behaviors…he enjoyed reaping the rewards and benefits of being the object of my affection, but doesn’t like that at some point I would expect to receive some sort of validation back. That’s sick and twisted to me. Why on Earth would I continue going out of my way and expressing myself and being completely open and vulnerable with someone that is as closed off as a construction site? He tried to do the whole “Did you do it for the reciprocation or did you do it because you meant it?” I DON’T NEED the immediate reciprocation, but I expect that if someone has feelings for me that at some point they’d let it be known. And since he’s letting it be known that he didn’t want to lead me on, in my opinion that’s letting me know ALLLLLL that I need to know. I’m not about to sit around batting my eyelashes like a lovesick puppy waiting for something…I’m going to adjust my actions, put him in a completely different zone in my life and just move all the way on. He tries to spin my words and make it seem like I had unrealistic expectations for him or that my boundaries weren’t clear or whatever....YEAH RIGHT! I’m not claiming that. In the past he’s had a way of spinning words and genuinely making me believe that those thoughts that he held were my own. His opinion is NOT my truth.

Once he saw that I was singing a different tune, then suddenly he was talking about how ATTRACTIVE it was of me to go after what I wanted last week. How sexy it was that I was able to verbalize what I wanted and all of this bullshit. This is all being said AFTER the fact. He always does that. That’s his way of making me continue to hold on…to a glimpse of hope that we might ever be together. No, I’m not playing this game. We’ve been going back and forth for months and this was truly my last attempt and I went ALL IN. I embarrassed myself. Hell, I’m embarrassed having even written about it here.

Did I mentioned that he told me that if I wanted to know what his feelings were for me, I should have just ASKED. Or how about this, he should have opened his mouth and said it on his own. I didn’t need him to read my mind to know that that’s what I wanted to hear. I was doing ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the actions. I was going ALL IN. He was very much aware what my intentions and my feelings are because I made it known. He says that because we’re in a “friend” category, he’s not focused on romantic feelings. Cool, I got it. I’ll keep it moving because the only one keeping us in the friend category is him. Do not pass go, do not collect $200! He doesn’t get to be upset because I didn’t ask him his feelings before I decided to be done and move on. He is excellent at putting his foot in his own mouth.

I’m just tired of the psychological bullshit. He’ll say because I didn’t ask that I can’t assume that he doesn’t have feelings for me. He’ll find a way to spin it to where I’m somehow the bad guy here and how he now doesn’t feel comfortable sharing things with me because it will “hurt my feelings”. All of that bullshit.

And get this, even AFTER that conversation he had the NERVE to ask if I want to come on an overnight trip with him to a Hot Spring in Arkansas. Like…what?! And then he proceeded to invite me to his house during my lunch hour. Are you fucking kidding me? I’d rather drink pond water.

I’m so done this time. I wanted to try one last time just to see if it was truly me or if there was anything that I could have done differently. I’m completely embarrassed! Especially for writing about this here. If you guys knew our complete history and how much psychological warfare I’ve had to deal with with this person, you’d also be wondering why on Earth I was wasting my time. That is exactly what I was doing.

Good riddance, sir.

Last updated April 11, 2023