Only You Could Fill This Empty Space in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

Friday night I got an invite to his Easter gathering at his house. When he cooks, he goes ALL out. He told me about ALL of the people that would be coming. It’s very thoughtful of him to include me and my children. I declined, but it was still a nice gesture. He did put some food to the side for me which I picked up today during my lunch break.

Anyway, so ONE of my biggest issues with this guy is that my feelings for him are simple and always have been. I don’t mean that our relationship is not complex because it is indeed THAT and then some, but I just mean that when it comes to my feelings it is SIMPLE. I have no problem telling him how I feel. I have no problem putting words to my feelings. If anything that’s my issue…I HAVE to let people know how I feel about them. He doesn’t return those feelings in those respects. He asked me once if I EXPECT him to reciprocate just because I said something. Meaning, if I say “I miss you” that he should say it back immediately. I don’t feel that way at all. However, I do expect that at some point if you MISS ME that I become aware of it. If you want me, tell me. If you want to be with me, I want to hear about it. I want to know that I’m not the only one feeling the way that I do, otherwise I start to feel like it’s one-sided and that I’m on this emotion-filled journey alone. If I like being touched, and like hearing how you feel about me, how am I supposed to know you feel a certain way if I don’t hear it and you’re not touching me?

He needs ACTION, so I DO the actions! I need to hear the words and feel the touch, and I’m not getting those things.

So yesterday morning while he was cooking, he asked me if I could stop by the store on my way to his house (I was coming by to quickly say Happy Easter). He was missing a key ingredient, but was elbow deep in cooking already. The store was on my way, so I took the action to DO what he asked and grab what he needed. This came simply for me because how I feel about him is simple, so regardless to whether or not I even WANTED to stop (I did not), I did it anyway. I went to his house and was there only shortly (I didn’t even have the kids get out of the car). But it was after I left his house that I allowed myself to verbalize a VULNERABLE moment regardless of my right mind telling me NOT TO. I told him how hard it was for me to keep my hands off of him. The response he gave me was very lack luster, and very much “Really? Why?” Which is how his responses always are because those kinds of questions result in an ego boost. I never did answer his questions, but he also never brought it up again when I didn’t answer.

Fast forward to today (today is an inservice day) and I drove to his house during my lunch hour to get my plates of food that he sat aside for me. We had a nice conversation sitting outside. It became time for me to leave and then he said “What happens if you don’t go back?” “You should take the rest of the day off”. I then explained how nothing would happen. He said, “You shouldn’t go back.” And me THINKING HE WAS FINALLY GOING TO VERBALIZE SOME TYPE OF YEARNING FOR ME took the bait and said “You just want me to spend the rest of my day with you”. Had he asked, I would have dropped everything and done it in a heartbeat. Partially because I was bored out of my mind at this inservice, and partly because I’m a horny hormonal mama that wants some loving! However, he just responded “I’m going to be working. I mean, you can stay here.” Which completely cancelled out what he said before that. I took it as, it’s okay for me to stay but he won’t say it’s because he wanted me to.

Remember how I mentioned that he has asked me to be Friends with Benefits and I won’t do it? One day (weeks after I first told him no) he reached out to me and asked if I had changed my mind about giving him some and how he’s CRAVING some pu$$y. And I asked him specifically because this was a very important question. “Is it MINE you’re craving or just pu$$y in general?” He came back and said something along the lines of how he doesn’t crave a specific person. This immediately caused me to check out and dismiss what he was saying. I took it as, he just wanted some…and that it didn’t have to be from me, it could be from anyone....so I’m thinking to myself, go get some from someone else then. I did end up having a talk with his friend (she lives in my building), and she told me that to HIM, he chose ME to reach out instead of those other prospects he may have. However, when I’m put up against other women, I will ALWAYS advocate for you to choose THEM over me. If you can’t choose me confidently ALONE, then I don’t want to be your choice.

I say all of this to say....if I am indeed this mans obsession (his words not mine), then why don’t HIS actions match that? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable in your 40’s (him not me) and tell someone you want them? It’s really not that hard. I’m not begging for attention, but I would like to be acknowledged.