Be Quiet in Finding Me

Tonight, I feel more alone than I have in a while and I know it’s mostly my fault.
To get to where I am today, I had to become a whole new person.
I continue to build these relationships with people who don’t know past me but past me is screaming so loud in my ear to let her out.
No, she’s not allowed to come out.
I didn’t spend 5 grueling years getting away from her for nothing.
But she’s there.
She’s screaming.
She’s snaking her way through my veins like the blood that once pooled to the surface of my arms.
Be quiet.
I am doing to her what her people did to her.
Shoving her so far down she is too scared to speak, too scared to love, too scared to be loved.
Not allowing those feelings to surface because I can’t be her.
I look at myself and tell her I’m different.
She says you’re not different.
I am still here.
You are still dealing with what you dealt with, just differently.
Your body is still screaming to be loved while you leave it empty begging for you to give it what it needs.
You leave it empty, because you are empty.
Your idea of self-worth does not come from your soul, from your mind, from your dreams, but from the body you refuse to love.
Love, she screams.
Love was what you sought for but couldn’t believe because you built a brick wall in front of your heart.
You built it so strong, so tall, so thick, you built yourself out.
You had to.
You had to, to get rid of me.
She says you sucked in a breath and dried your eyes and left me behind, but I’m still here.
Please acknowledge me.

I tell her to be quiet.