Around, and around, and around ... in Everyday life

“Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” goes a verse of a dance track I’ve heard a couple times.

In my case, I feel like it’s “eat, sleep, work, repeat.”

I can’t get myself excited or willing to do anything that involves getting out of bed – except work, because work brings dollars, and dollars allow me to stay in bed longer (i.e. not have an insane number of jobs).

I know it’s a textbook case of depression or a mood disorder. I’m sure a sixth-grader could examine my daily routine and come to that conclusion.

Problem is, getting something done about it. I’ve probably been on 10 medications over the course of the past 15 or so years, trying to fix myself. I don’t like being like this, in some ways. The fear is a comforting, known entity for me, but oftentimes I do want more.

I do want to be excited about stuff. I do want to have more energy. That also scares the shit out of me, what I could accomplish if that happened.

And then I settle back into my mediocre, ho-hum life.

Let’s get this straight: I’m a pretty lucky guy. OK-paying job, a roof over my head, people in my life who love me, able to provide for my needs (housing, food). There were times in my life where this was not the case, specifically when I was younger, so that may skew my perspective on the entire thing.

But there’s still more. I know there is more, and there should be more, no? Am I just settling for mediocrity, or am I realizing that we all have limits, and this is my ceiling?

This is the type of entry I could have written 1,037 times over the years of my diary writing/journaling. And it’s the main issue with which I still struggle.