All I See Is Lonely People in Crowded Rooms in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

My truth: I am trying so hard to understand my attraction to this person. It may have something to do with him selling me a dream when we first started seeing each other at the beginning of the school year. It definitely has something to do with all of the romantic gestures I received in the beginning. The attention, and the tenderness and consistency he showed myself and my children.

It’s funny because in our times of disagreement, he often talks about the beginning as well. From a perspective of how I USED TO BE without looking at the fact that his behaviors have changed which therefore caused my behaviors to change. Everything I’ve ever done to “hurt him” (which I’ve actually acknowledged and apologized for my behaviors in those times) have all been things I’ve done as a result of something he’s done that pushed me to that point. I can acknowledge that no, it probably isn’t healthy to ghost someone and just stop talking to them all together cold turkey without and explanation…but do you think he acknowledges overstepping my boundaries and consistently forcing me into these discussions where I feel trapped, backed into a corner, and like I cannot end the conversation when it no longer serves me? He thinks of himself as everyones motivator. He feels like he constantly has to be pushing you to the next level in every aspect of your life. It’s like you’re not allowed to feel “content”. You have to constantly be on the hunt for self improvement and growing your business....it’s A LOT. I was trying to be someones girlfriend, not someones “project”. I’m a WHOLE person. I don’t need parenting tips 24/7 from someone whose idea of parenting is making their child SO independent at 8 years old that she doesn’t “need” him for anything. I want my kids to be kids, I allow them to have their feelings, and I let them be their own people. They’re not my maids or house keepers, and they’re certainly not my “property” to control. He ALWAYS had something to say or some “motivational” video to send. If I spend a moment venting about work (which I work in education, I’m HIGHLY underpaid, but I LOVE kids, and I love the difference I make in childrens lives and I also love snow days, school breaks and having the Summers off), he starts telling me to look for a new job. If I don’t look for this new job then I’m just remaining stagnant in his eyes. I LOVE my job. I LOVE my schedule because it enables me to have the maximum time available for my kids. It’s what works for me right now especially because they are so young (son is 4 and daughter is 8). When I expressed how his constantly sending me articles about anxiety, and parenting and personal growth were kind of overwhelming, he took it as a negative and as me wanting to remain where I am. I literally grow in every way, every day....he doesn’t have to see it, for that statement to be valid. But those are the types of behaviors that made me start developing this wall between he and I. I wanted to VENT, and he’s constantly wanting to give me FEEDBACK when I don’t want nor ask for it. That’s where all of the detachment began.

And then he started spamming me with all of this information about himself. His love language, his apology language, his astrology sign....it’s constant information coming to me about him NON-STOP. If I don’t respond with detailed feedback (in a 5 paragraph essay) then to him, I didn’t read it nor did I understand. He even had us on this couples app that was all astrology based and I was somehow just supposed to know what to do and how to process the information. When I have moments of discovery about who he is, and I share information about him, he’ll shrug it off and say “I’ve been telling you this for months”…when honestly, no sweetie you have not. You’ve been sending me articles that I’m somehow supposed to decode and learn about you from instead of hearing it first hand from your mouth. It was CONSTANT. Any time I spoke out about how overwhelmed receiving all of this information made me feel (especially with the understanding that he was expecting DETAILED feedback), he took it as me saying that I was overwhelmed with him and who he is. That very well could have been teh case, but those words have never left my mouth.

In order to maintain the peace, I did as much as I could, I read as much as I could until the point where I was COMPLETELY fed up. Just like I mentioned in my post yesterday, I am constantly trying to communicate with him, and I’m trying to learn him, understand him…and I don’t feel like I’m being given the same energy. He says that he did. He read articles about my zodiac sign and took notes on my love language…etc. Except those are HIS identifiers and not mine. I’m a person. I am fluid and never the same, which is funny since he was constantly wanting to buy me books and journals on self growth when I’m everchanging and ever growing. So my confidence took a hit, not because I am insecure but because he had a way of flipping things to make me believe that those things were my thoughts althought they were his. I mean just yesterday he was telling me “be confident in your choices.” I AM 100% confident in my choices. I was just nervous to say what I wanted to say because pouring out my heart to this person hasn’t gotten me anywhere over these past several months.

The reason I am STUCK in this space with this person where I feel like I want to be with him, but at the same time, I cannot allow myself to fully open up to him is because I’ve been made to feel like what I say does not matter. I’m also highly aware that this is probably not the best situation for me. It’s the devil and the angel on my shoulder, right? I’m attracted to him. I enjoy our conversations. I enjoy his company and I enjoyed the attention when he gave it. I am also aware of the manipulation of the situation, and how he’s winning here and not me which is why I keep him at arms length as well. I am personally seeking therapy to work through this, but in the meantime I am HUMAN and I CRAVE this person, and honestly it probably is his non-chalant, disconnection that pulls me in because I cannot wrap my mind around why this person would not want me. That’s an issue I have to deal with within myself. I AM FULLY AWARE. Which causes me to keep myself safe, but I end up looking wishy-washy. Why don’t you just cut him off? You might ask. I have a connection to his daughter. She and my daughter are like best friends. Her mother is not my biggest fan because once she found out I was fooling around with her ex husband (they have been divorced since their child was in diapers and she is remarried), all hell broke loose. So not only do I have this connection to his daughter, but I live in a city where my main adult interaction outside of work has been my EX whom I still see often, and him....that’s it. He’s been there for me, and if I actually had more friends locally this would be an easier tie to break. My family, and my “home” is 2 hours away.

I keep my heart somewhat safe by attempting to keep my emotions in check. I try to just be “friends” but because we’ve been more than that for so long, I don’t know how to just be friends. I did set the clear boundary of no “friends with benefits” behavior. As much as SEX was absolutely amazing with him. I cannot allow myself to go there especially because my feelings are in a bundle, and he is so literal, so “FWBs” is just that to him. If I want to be more, I have to clearly state that to him, and because I don’t want to go down the path of inflating his head and his ego and not receiving the same attention or reciprocation of words in return (even if he feels the same way), I don’t allow myself to go there. By nature, I am a FEELER. I have feelings and enjoy feeling things and I will shout to the rooftops how I feel about someone. He will never do the same for me. So even if I am his absolute DREAM GIRL, if he doesn’t tell me or show me that (ON HIS OWN)…I don’t feel it or see it.

He constantly says “I meet people where they are”. It’s an annoying statement that he over uses as a shield to make the other person do all of the work of letting him know what they need every time. While healthy communication is effective, there’s never any result to my communication. I say and oversay things, and that’s it…instead of formulating a response to me about what I said. He formulates FEEDBACK about what I said and how I said it. That’s not the same thing as having a response to me specifically about what I said. If I tell you how I feel, I want to know how you feel about how I feel and if you feel the same way. He will just say “Thank you for sharing. I can understand that you feel that way. What’s wrong with that?”…GOD I HATE WHEN HE SAYS THAT! Anytime I say anything he always says “And what’s wrong with that?” NOTHING. I’m just telling you how I feel, if I thought there was something wrong with it, I would say that. And then he’ll say something like “There’s nothing wrong with having those feelings. Your feelings are valid.” It’s just all preprogrammed rhetoric to keep him from being fully empathetic toward others. It comes across as him saying the “right thing”, but this is his automated response to almost everything which causes me to feel unseen. He either OVERLY has an opinion when it’s not warranted or he gives a short “thank you for sharing” when I truly want some reciprocation. This leaves me to feel like I’m fishing for compliments or love or that I’m insecure and needy when I just want something very BASIC. He talks a lot about “authenticity”, and “living your truth” and “vulnerability” but everything is behind this WALL of the perfect sayings and not the true action of being or showing ANY of those things.

You want to know what’s ironic about this? He goes on and on about being a man of “action”. HIs love language is “Acts of Service”. If I don’t show action (hence why I cooked a meal for him), he does not feel the feelings that I say I have for him.He does not put action behind communicating MY love language which is “Words of Affirmation”. He knows it, he doesn’t do it because it doesn’t come naturally to him. He’ll send me all of the literature in the world and tell me all of the traumatic stories of his childhood just to come up with an EXCUSE as to why he doesn’t do those things that I LOVE. His love language however, is a non-negotiable.

So when he says “I meet people where they are”. I want to say, but do you....really?

In other news, he SAID he enjoyed his stuffed shells and his garlic bread.