day 2 of this fresh hell in Each Day

  • April 7, 2023, 9:17 p.m.
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Man, if I’d written this when I came back from lunch it’d be a completely different entry. He was so lucid! We had a pretty good conversation. We chatted with nurses and the doc. Things were looking hopeful.
They didn’t stay that way. He slowly deteriorated, then quickly deteriorated once he started vomiting again. But I was hopeful he’d rally.
And then I came back from dinner and he’s laying on the bathroom floor. He’d been camped out in the bathroom because of vomiting, but the floor was new.

I don’t know how people do this for years. I’m fucking exhausted. I feel like my empathy well has run dry. I don’t know how to respond all of a sudden.

When I left him at 930pm he’d taken a whole host of meds, I hope to god it keeps him peaceful through the night. I do so much taking care of him when I’m there, I’m assuming the nurses are making sure he gets the pills down when I’m gone?
There’s one person, I think he’s an orderly, and he has a worse bedside manner than most docs. Not our doc though, he’s young and confident and seems to listen.

M has been thanking everyone for putting up with him. One of the nurses said that dilaudid makes patients really grateful, but I was quick to tell her that this is him normally. M can be rough, but he has always been good at giving credit where it’s due.

It’s looking like M is going to get sent home. I hope we can arrange it that I drive home with him, since he’s going to be on pain meds that will make driving a problem. And he shouldn’t be living unsupervised in a hotel dealing with this shit. Both our chains of command are in the loop, and the head of my unit has already started talking compassionate leave. Both M and I feel very lucky that I was already here when this happened. I just hope we can continue to be together until it’s resolved.

I’m so tired. I wanted to do laundry, but NOPE. Maybe if I wake up at some ass hour again tomorrow, I’ll get it done before I leave for the hospital.

Jigger April 07, 2023

Oh friend. Sending home is one thing, but when are they talking about discharge? That can’t be soon.

sarahbaby. April 08, 2023

I’m so sorry! This sounds so intense and terrible. I hear you about the empathy well running dry!! It’s okay and normal to not be thrilled to be the caregiver. I’m sure he’ll heal quickly!

Narrator April 08, 2023

Oh, wow - I'm so sorry. I hope they keep him in the hospital until he's more stable instead of sending him home sooner. I think you're right that taking care of you as much as you can will help get you (and M) through this. You need your reserves too.

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