I often feel I am letting people down. in My Therapy Book

I spend a great deal of my time feeling like I let people down, often in small ways but I still disappoint. A friend needed me to measure a suitcase for him and I totally forgot. I put it off and said I would do it this morning and I forgot to do it. I get that in the grand scheme of things this is small, but I could, at least in my mind, hear him thinking… shows how much I matter. I did the same thing with my son and I am both angry and upset at the same time. I wants me to figure out how to apply CSS to a specific article in a CMS and I have not done it yet. Now on one level he should figure it out himself but on the other I am his father and should help him. I does feel like everywhere I turn I am letting people down, even myself. I swore I would write every day and not eat junk, but I have failed at both of those. This is not new to the accident. I have felt his way for some time, but I am only now giving voice to it. I think most people in my life have been let down by me at some point and it bothers me a lot. I am so easily pulled off task no matter what it is I am doing. I have been working on a site map for our website, this is day 3, it should not have taken more than a day.

I hate not driving, I was stuck at home most of the day yesterday. My wife was on call and did not feel like going out. I almost wish I never had that brief taste of freedom that having a car gave me. I know I still have a license, but everyone has made it clear that they don’t want me to drive anytime soon if ever. I am not sure if it is the fear of a seizure or just fear that has the so adamant. One side of me wants to say fuck them and just do it but another side says I love them, and they love me and that is why they are afraid. That does not make sitting home for weekend any better. I just want to get back into a car and go away. The more I can not drive the more I want to get out and travel. In some way I want to get out. I don’t even care if I travel alone. I just want to get out.

Last updated March 21, 2023