I find it easy to love people and easy to be loyal. Not to anyone, of course, but once my mind makes a decision that someone merits dedication the rest of the unconscious levers follow suit without hesitation. I love my girlfriend, but I worry about her. I worry I take care of her too well, so that should I die she might be unable to fend for herself. She has a good brother of means, but there are not many younger people in her family. I worry she’ll be sad without me there. This manic cycle plagues me of late. Deep sorrow for losses endured and losses yet to endure spun together with sublime joy and peace with every part of the world around me. It’s not dreadful. I wonder if it is spinning itself out of orbit, slowly.
She’s upstairs sleeping and I just feel so glad to have her here with me to spend time with. It’s such a departure from the type of person I used to be. I never cared for sharing or intimacy most of my young adult life. Several relationships I discarded. I loved my own company most and I cherished the pleasures of women, though now it is the opposite. I yet love my own company, to the point of needing it and only it on a regular basis, but I no longer love it more than dedicated companionship. My life just wouldn’t feel like a home without her. Things have changed. Maybe it’s getting older? Maybe it’s losing enough loved ones they finally cease being taken for granted?
Hard to say. Especially at this hour on a Sunday night.
This song reminds me of the autumn of my 20th year. My apartment with it’s second story porch high in the branches of the old walnut tree with the green metal bar I had set up there with very comfortable tall chairs. You felt like you were sitting in the tree tops. So many people I had in my life in those days, coming by to share an evening of youthful evening magic and drink.