D day in just testing

Well tomorrow is...

Oh, and to answer a few notes: *I have been with Will over 6 years total but married to him a little over 1 year. *If I asked Will to choose between me or work I'm not confident he would choose me.

What I mean by D day is that when I was all pissed off last weekend I told myself, and you all, that I was going to stop being so 'available' to Will. Starting with this Friday, that I happen to be off. IF I was in a happier relationship with Will I'd prob wait up till he got home at 1am, hung out with him, slept with him and stayed in bed with him till he was ready to get up for work. I'd make breakfast or a lunch for him to go - depending on when he got up and AFTER he was gone I'd start my day of laundry, or cleaning, or whatever I choose to do with my day off.

But since he's being a little bastard that doesn't care about me what I was GOING to do was get up before he got up and find a way to amuse myself out of the house all day until it's time to go to my sis for fireworks.

Thereby making him feel 'lonely' because time that we could have spend together I was choosing to spend without him.

But then I started to doubt myself. It's My Day Off Too.. why should I get up and dressed early and stay out of my own home to make Him lonely. Why inconvenience myself when I could relax?

But now thinking about it I know that if I stay home I'm gonna be pissed, cause I've been pissed all week thinking about his decision to work Every Sunday.

If I stay home I'm gonna say something and it's going to be a big fight.

And the point of all this is not to fight with him - esp. since nothing will get resolved. My point in all this is to Prove a point. Hopefully being that when I put everything above him, like he does to me, he doesn't like it - and he misses me - and he finally sees my view on this and he stops working Sundays and starts valuing our Quality Time more.

I don't think he gives a shit about quality time because it's always there when he wants/needs it. I'm always available for him. I drop everything - and have been for years - whenever he's free to give him attention and love.

Only my OD peeps really know all the midnight runs I did [while working a 40 hour week] to take him home whenever he had free time.

Rain, Sleet, Snow - whatever, through different states! There's were time I picked him up, dropped him off to sleep and went straight to work.

The times that I couldn't bring him home I stayed with him. Gave up weekend after weekend [happily] to hang out with him even when doing nothing at all.

Any weekend I could ride with him I did. I stayed in the truck for entire weekends and cried on the way home because that's how much I value time with him.

And even working 40 hours and spending my entire weekends with him I was still doing grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning.

He doesn't give a shit.

I want to take all that availability away.

I don't want to be home when he's home to be his company. I don't want to buy his food or clean his clothes.

Am I a partner or a fucking house cleaning service?

So even though it's easier to just stay home on my day off and keep my mouth shut I probably won't do that. I need to act on this.

But a sucky part of this is that - if I throw down and ultimatum and say 'don't work Sundays or I'm calling a divorce lawyer' which is ridiculous, I wouldn't lay it out like that. But say I did and he was like 'fine I won't work Sundays' I don't even think that would satisfy me because he's doing it because I'm Forcing him too - not because he understands my point of view and wants to make me happy - he would only be doing it cause I'm threatening him.

And don't you doubt that every Sunday that he could be working but he's not under threat of divorce that he wouldn't resent me and give me attitude about it. And we'd probably fight just as much.

I can't win.

We don't value the same things. And maybe I always knew it but I though, even if he doesn't value things that I do, he knows what I do value and he's always going to try to keep me happy and respect what I value.

Which is not the case. Even though we're married he's still independent - he wants what he wants when he wants it and he does just that. And I don't matter.

And maybe I'm the same way - I'm not respecting him valuing finances above all. And I never will.

And I'm sure there are women who think like him that might be better fit for him.

I have sometimes commenting that we are a ying and yang type couple and though we're different, we balance eachother out.

Maybe opposites can't work. Maybe there never is a 50/50 balance - always a 40/60 type thing - although in my case it's like an 80/20, me being the overpowered 20%... and I can't take it anymore.

This is what I do - in my friendships, relationships, work - I give 100% - and I don't make a big show of it, I don't need to be thanked about it or recognized. But then my 100% is what's regularly expected and later on my 100% isn't good enough and they want more and more and I get burnt out and feeling unappreciated.

And one of my main complaints has always been feeling underappreciated.

For ex. I'm sure you've heard us fight about laundry. I do it 99% of the time. The 1%of the time that Will does it he makes a big show of telling me he did it and I thank him profusely.

But most of the time I do - and when life gets in the way and the laundry piles up and he complains about it I get PISSED. Just because I do OUR laundry 99% of the time doesn't mean it's totally MY job. If you see the laundry getting out of control - instead of getting pissed at me for not doing it - get off your ass and do it yourself!!! But he doesn't think that way. It's just expected that I do it.

I don't expect anything of him. I don't expect him to clean, or do the dishes, or the laundry, or the litter boxes. It's not to say he doesn't do it once in a while and when he does I'm glad but really I just depend on myself to get it done. I don't 'leave' anything for him. Nothing is HIS job only. I do it all but if he does it once in a while it's nice for me.

I'm rambling and getting worked up.

Point is - I am not doing his dishes tonight. I am only doing my laundry tomorrow. And I am going to spend the day OUT tomorrow and just like last weekend, I'm not gonna let him in on my plans. I'm just going to disappear and leave him lonely.