Ennui in Questions

I haven’t been taking my meds lately…mostly in part to the fear that they are slowly killing me. And I was feeling fine until last week when I started purposefully making bad music and I decided I was going to make an album called “Bad Music”…and after three songs of this I realized I might be manic…and then I ended up crashing pretty hard a few days ago and I’ve been severely depressed.

Lately I haven’t even wanted to drink any alcohol, ingest any THC, eat any food, have sex, masturbate, watch anything on tv, listen to any music…it’s so fucking emo but literally nothing feels good.

The only thing that I’ve been okay with is sleeping, but even then my dreams are always stressful as hell. My family is always in danger, or my wife is always leaving me, or I’m stuck working in restaurants as a server wondering why the hell I’m there, and I don’t know any table numbers or the menu or the computer system, but the tables keep coming and people start getting angry and I’m like “Why am I even here? I have a career, I moved past this, what the actual fuck?”

And then I just wake up tired.

My job is stressing me out.

Sometimes I work from like 7am to 7pm and it feels like I’m wasting my life.

It’s weird. I have a really good job. I get paid really well. Yet we still can only afford this three bedroom apartment. We’re surrounded by homeless crack heads…like what am I even working for?

There’s no retirement in my future.

Just working until I die…living in a unit.

They keep us complacent in this country by brain washing us all into believing we are all temporarily embarrassed millionaires…like, there’s this carrot dangling in front of us…one day this will all pay off. One day I’ll be able to reap the rewards of all of this hard work.

But there is no reward.

I can’t really talk about this with anyone…but I’m 100% convinced that this is a simulation, and lately I’ve been really wondering if I’m the only player.

And then when I start to think about that possibility long enough…I start to wonder if someone else is the only player and I’m AI.

Like…the afterlife is the real world right. Maybe there are some people in this simulation that have an afterlife waiting for them.

But maybe there are some people in this simulation who have nothingness waiting for them when they die because they don’t exist outside of the context of this simulation.

And how would you know which one you are?

And do some people know? Like…what if all the atheists out there are just NPCs? They know there’s nothing waiting for them outside the simulation because they are the simulation.

There are some NPCs out there who are advanced enough to know that it’s weird that they don’t have an internal monologue. That level of self awareness is frightening.

What if there is no such thing as the past? Like what if there really was no such thing as dinosaurs, it’s just part of the lore of the game?

All of these ancient artifacts that point to advanced civilizations that lived in the past…they’re just easter eggs.

There’s no such thing as space. There are no other planets. The earth isn’t flat or round, it’s only being rendered when it’s observed…just like a video game…which isn’t even theory, that’s just quantum physics.

Nothing exists unless it is being observed.

That’s literally how a game works.

…

What if we are eternal beings and this is some sort of space prison, and they lock you up and hook you up to this game as punishment?

Like, isn’t it weird that history repeats itself? Why does history repeat itself? As if humans are incapable of growth and change?

And then you have these story archs that make no sense…like this whole invasion of Ukraine thing starting a World War III proxy war between Russia and Nato…but everyone has nukes and everyone knows this could be the end of the world…and we’re all connected to the internet and we know that we’re not that different from eachother, so this shit doesn’t need to happen…but that’s just the game baby.

There’s no video game on the market where you just sit and sip pina colada on the beach all day.

Nothing seems real.

I really feel like I’m starting to figure this out…and I really am starting to think there aren’t nearly as many “real” people around us as we think…if there are any more than me…if I”m even real…

But I guess maybe I should just take my meds…

just ignore it all

I would say it’ll all be over soon…but that’s not true.
You just keep coming back
Forever
If this isn’t a game, this is surely Hell