Not in the best frame of mind in just testing

Blah

Like every morning, I got up alone - cause Will's asleep. Get dressed alone, eat alone. Go to work where everything is normal. Today my sis was at my mom's house so I hung out for an hour. Then went back to my empty apartment where I am now. I'll eat dinner, feed cats, alone. Watch TV alone. Treadmill, shower, and go to bed alone. In the haze of my sleep, Will will roll into bed about 3am - and that's that.

That's my life.

It's his life too.

When he gets up, about noon, he's alone. He eats, showers, dresses, alone. He'll work a 10 hour day. He'll come home to a seemingly empty house around 2am - cause I'm asleep. He'll eat dinner and relax alone and roll into bed and that's that.

The difference between those 2 stories is - he doesn't care. Sometimes I think he's happier to eat what he wants and watch what he wants on the TV or computer, go to bed whenever he wants and wake up when he wants - all alone - like when he was single and living alone.

He's much more independent than I am and maybe wishes he had that lifestyle back - though he pretty much does.

For a married man, he lives about as single as a man can get.

The only trouble comes on the weekends when I want time with him and he thinks I'm too needy.

I'm in a bad headspace. Trying to think of ways to make him feel MORE alone - to make him feel LONELY.

Maybe I'll only buy what I like at the grocery store - so, like a single man, he'll have to buy his own TV dinners. Maybe I'll only do my laundry - so, like a single man, he'll have to wash his own clothes. I'm off on the 4th - he isn't, and he told me that he didn't want to be. Cause he wants $$. Watching fireworks with family and friends doesn't pay him anything.... right?

I dunno what my plans are for the 4th but by the time he wakes up noon on Friday I plan to be gone. I will watch the fireworks with my sister in the evening but she doesn't get off work till 7. I dunno what I plan to do until then. But I will be leaving him ALONE - just like any other weekday.

He's off on Saturdays - his only day off. Maybe I'll swing it that I can sleep over at my sister's and I half way have plans made for Saturday with another friend. I probably won't even stop home. He'll I'll just sit in the park if I have to, to not be with him.

Sometime Saturday I'll have to come home because that's where I sleep. But I'll be out on Sunday again till 3pm. 3pm is when he has to be at work - so I can return home without running into him.

I feel ALONE and I want him to feel ALONE. I want him to know what it feels like for the person you love to put EVERYTHING and ANYTHING ahead of him without even telling him - like the way he springs work on me most weekends with only an hour or 2 warning.

My evil thinking is that maybe if I show him what it's like to be alone - he won't actually WANT to be alone.

It's all I've got - cause talking to him about who I feel doesn't make a damn bit of difference.

Maybe it will split us up further - he doesn't even know how far gone I am. We don't talk - and if we do, we can't talk about me not liking his decisions cause that's a fight - never a talk - a knock down, drag out fight.

I love him but I'm not happy.

Maybe we should go back to dating?

Maybe he should move out and see how expensive it is to not split rent with someone. Maybe all I am is a care taker for all his shit. The only time he really breaks down and cries is when I ask him to leave or talk about him moving out - oh THEN he doesn't want us to split up. I bet he doesn't. How inconvient it would be for him.

Or maybe not, cause then he could move closer to his one true love - his job.

Which he claims he's only going to have till November. Then what? Who will dry his tears that day? Why should I be around?

See - I'm in a childish, mean space but it comes from being SO Hurt by him - one times too many.

I truly don't believe that Will will stop working Sundays over this - so the most it will do is get me out of the house when he's working so I'm so As Lonely but hopefully he'll feel a little lonely too.

Though I doubt it - when I stayed out half of Sunday he was just on his computer, doing whatever - he didn't care. He was happy to look at his stupid video game shit without me there to bother him.

If he wanted me, he'd be with me. He wants money and time for himself. I force him to spend time with me and to think about me and usually it takes moving heaven and earth to get him to see things my way - if he does - which right now, he doesn't.

It's just ... if I had a boyfriend treating me like this I'd be gone. Being married makes everything seem... heavier. A break up is never as bad as a 'divorce' to the ear. I wouldn't be a single lady - I'd be a divorced lady. Sounds uglier.

But I can't live like this. I refuse to do this anymore.

SO, like I said in previous entries, I'm backing up - giving him space and maybe we'll agree to stay apart. Since we're not happy together.

Right now he's happy I guess cause he pressures me with verbal abuse to go with what he wants. He has his cake and is eating it too. And to be a peace keeper, I let him. But I've had enough.

Why should I have to beg my husband to spend time with me? Why should time together be a fight where we're both screaming and crying.

He doesn't appreciate me. He doesn't deserve me. And I don't deserve this life or marriage. He needs to make compromises and if he can't - I'm seriously gone.

If he doesn't change, this eventually lead to divorce and though it's sad to think about. Begging for 1 Saturday a week with him is a worse life.