Not done yet in just testing

With my marriage, I guess.

We had that argument about his sleep apnea test, etc. on the way to the movies. So when we got to the theater we decided to suck it ip, stop fighting and enjoy the movie.

And we did, or I did anyway. Maleificient - or however you spell it was great.

On the way back home we were civil.

He wanted to treat me to a birthday dinner but I said no, I didn't feel like it. He knew I was still upset. We watched TV for a bit and he tried to kiss and make up but.... but he's not really. He's still gonna do what he wants, he just wants me to not be upset over it.

I went to sleep alone - he slept on the couch.

On Sunday I woke up still mad and thinking about how I make myself SO available to him. Because I love time with him. But I DO have friends and could be doing other things.

So even though he was home that Sunday I went out.

I went to church with Teach, and then we walked around the mall. Shauna met up with us and we had lunch. Then me & Teach went to another mini mall to do more shopping.

I didn't buy anything but a coffee. My card won't be paid off till this weekend or Monday so I'm not splurging yet.

I was out from 9 am to 4pm. There was nothing more to do really. So I dropped Teach off and finally went home.

I know Will doesn't get up till like, noon, so I was wondering if he would text, wondering where I am. Cause I left at 9am, while he was sleeping and didn't tell him where I went - nor did I post to FB or any place where he'd know what I was doing.

On my drive home I was sad. I missed him. Wondered what he was doing. Hoping that he didn't decide to go out just cause I was out. I wanted to see him.

Why did I want to see this asshole who chooses to make me unhappy? Because I still love him. I don't want to be without him. I just wish he would appreciate me more.

So I get home and he's home, acting normal. He asked me where I was and stuff. He didn't get that I left to 'make him lonely'. But he knew I was upset the night before and was giving me my space.

And after that we fell into our old comfortableness. Tickling eachother on the couch, being silly with eachother. And in THAT moment I was really happy. Even though he hurts me, he also makes me the happiest too. I've never been so in love with any other boyfriend, etc. We just have something that isn't dead yet. Even if I might want it to be.

It would be easy if my feelings for him were dead and I could just separate from him.

But this Sunday made me realize how much I love hanging out with my friends. I've been so holed up because of my credit card. I haven't just gone out for no reason without Will like ALL YEAR because I've been busyt avoiding social situations because I couldn't afford anything.

Well this 4th is MY independence from my credit card and Sundays will be my GIRL'S day where I fill my day with friends while Will's not around.

I'm just gonna try and make the best of this situation.

Maybe I'll get a raise this July. Maybe Will will pass his sleep apnea test. Maybe we'll get to go on that cruise anyway. Maybe everything will be fine.....