When The One and I were solid we used to do this thing where, when we wanted to be frank and serious about something, we would preface it by saying “Honest Truth Time”, and then the other person would be like, “okay, give it to me!” And we’d share something vulnerable, or an unpopular opinion, and the other person would have to seriously consider was said. I honestly don’t ever remember this practice ending badly.
So this is that.
M leaves in 9 days. I’m feeling mixed emotions.
I’m sad that he’s leaving, of course. But over the last few months I have thought a lot about my time in Wpg, and how good with myself I became. I spent a lot of time in my room singing, watching TikToks or shows or movies. I didn’t feel empty, until I had to interact with my course mates, and then rejection sensitivity kicked in.
I’m looking forward to having this time to myself, in my own home.
Some of my - this is hard to describe. It’s not apathy, it’s more like a void - lack of feeling surrounding him leaving feels a lot like how I used to feel when he was in the army, he was always leaving. Sometimes it got to the point of feeling like, OKAY JUST GO ALREADY, because the anticipation felt way worse than the actual leaving.
But like, I like him a lot more these days. Which feels like an unusual thing to say. But I know him way better now. He’s actually let me in, we’ve shared so much more of ourselves since 2011.
I’m not quite at that “JUST GO ALREADY” point, just yet. It’ll come. And then I’ll be sad that I’ve wished away the last of our time together. I know this pattern.
The one big frustration is that I’m on duty this weekend (which in itself is only a minor inconvenience, but usually with some nice perks, so it balances out), it’s looking like I’m actually going to have to go into the office. Hopefully everyone can get their heads out of their asses and get shit done by Friday. But even if they do that I will still have to go in on Sunday as they’re embarking. So sure I might be getting days off during the week, but it’s still taking time away from M and I during the weekend… They were talking about splitting the shift between me and a reservist, which would be very nice for me. And I guess helpful for the reservist since they don’t get paid if they don’t work 6 hours.
This week has been pretty lovely. M has been at work all day and I’ve had the house to myself, heading to work for 6pm. I’ve played A LOT of video games, but I’ve also done a pretty impressive amount of getting-rid-of-shite. I cleaned the bathroom cupboards and my dressing room. I’m waiting until M leaves to tackle the kitchen. My local buy nothing group has certainly benefitted. I think I’m going to see if the mods will let me raffle off M’s ps3’s since he doesn’t want them anymore (yes, he bought 2 ps3’s because he’s terrible with money), and I imagine they might be something people really want. Not raffle for profit, but to level the playing field for who actually gets it. There’s people who seem to camp on the page and pounce on any offer before anyone else.
Man I am yawning A LOT. Guess I should go to bed.