I can't stop doing surveys. in Each Day

  • Jan. 18, 2023, 8:04 a.m.
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Stolen from Phoenix Seraph

What was your biggest life lesson this year and what did you learn?
There are things outside your control and there’s literally nothing you can do to about it.

What did you accomplish this year that you are most proud of?
I graduated. Finally.
And, yeah I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this, I’m giving the best head of my life these days. And that’s saying something haha.

What is your biggest disappointment or regret this year?
Disappointment: Whatever the fuck happened with TM. (this has not been written about in this iteration of my journal. IYKYK).
Regret: Not riding my motorcycle more.

Which significant relationship improved the most?
Probably my relationship with mom. After “coming out” to her as polyam, I finally feel like I don’t have any secrets (or at least, not ones that I wish I could be open about with her).
Red and I are much better these days.

Which significant relationship did you neglect the most?
Maybe my sister? Seeing her in December was great, but we haven’t chatted much lately. I would like to change that (But an evenings week is not the time to do that).

How did you grow emotionally this year?
I don’t think I realized how stuck I was. All that effort I put into my growth, my recovery, my hope for improvement, and I honestly don’t feel like I’m a single step ahead.
Granted, I don’t think I’m depressed anymore (maybe not growth, but progress?). But I’m still dealing with demons so it’s not exactly time to come off anti depressants…

What do you wish you had done more of this past year?
Been better with my finances. I don’t know how I can make the most I have ever made in my life (my gross pay is about $23,000 more than it was at my last job, which paid quite well), and somehow come out of the year with a maxed line of credit and credit card debt. Ugh.

What do you wish you had done less of this past year?
Relied on the expertise of medical professionals. Not fucking doing that this year.

What was the smartest decision you made this year?
To put money down on an EV, I guess? I honestly can’t think of any decisions of consequence I might have made in the last year…

What are you most grateful for this past year?
M. He’s lovely.

What was your best financial decision this year?
This was not a year of stellar financial decisions…
Getting the Africa themed tattoo (Zim national bird, SA national flower), the timing felt really right, after losing my African grandmother in June.

What was your worst financial decision this year?
Paying over $400 on piercings, $700 on a new tattoo and about $600 on two hair appointments… But I feel like me and that feels really fucking good. Oh actually, that changes my answer above.

What is one miracle you experienced this year?
M and I continue to elude Covid.

What unfinished business do you have from this year?
Mostly physical projects: knitting, painting, minimalizing (haha).

What held you back this past year?
My divergent brain. And apparently my stubbornness.

How did you spend your weekends this past year?
Gloriously, with M.

What do you want to stop doing in 2023?
Trying so fucking hard. I want to try to just be

If you had to describe your 2022 in 3 words, what would they be?
I like my answer above: Gloriously, with M.

Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?
hyperfocus on mental health stuff was great until I realized it wasn’t actually helping me.

What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?
HAH. Finally becoming qualified in my trade was a pretty big fuckin’ deal.

What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life?
I think a lot about how much time I spent by myself from January to April, and how much I look back on that time with fondness and nostalgia.

What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)?
Stalled. I had so much drive for progress, yet felt hindered at every turn. Frustrated would be another good descriptor.

Was there anything you did for the very first time in your life this year?
Was part of a polyam triad. Completed a military career course.

What experience would you love to do all over again?
Diving into polyamoury with M was fun. It helped me communicate more/better. It strengthened our foundation. The sex was incredible.

What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?
The trip to Toronto and choosing to stay at the Fairmont instead of some shit 2 star hotel.

What do you deserve a pat on the back for?
A for effort, really.

What did you think about more than anything else?
“Fixing” myself. Which I see now is not the right approach. I just wanted to get better. I thought I had the power to do that. I do not. Not the way I was going about it, anyway.

What advice would you give your early-2022 self if you could?
You might be fucking miserable right now, but you’re doing the right things and that’s all you can expect of yourself. Good job. Keep it up.

Did any parts of yourself or your life do a complete 180 this year?
Thank god no, I was really aiming for a straight path. I know that’s impossible, but I really tried.

These are the skills I acquired this year:
Understanding attachment styles and how they make M and I who we are.

An obstacle or a challenge that I overcame this year:
Lack of career progression.

This year, I learned the following about myself:
That I’m actually ok. I like myself. My nihilism isn’t actually about me at all…

Here’s something I learned about other people:
People may care about me, but no one gives as much of a shit about me as I do.
And like, rightly so?

The most fun I had all year was:
In bed. With M. With TM. With Bastet.

My best memory of the year was:
honestly there are too many to count. It’s nice to be able to say that.

My favourite movie of the year was:
That I can remember? Everything Everywhere All at Once

A TV show I really enjoyed watching this year was:
Reservation Dogs. Resident Alien. Chernobyl. The Bad Batch.

I really enjoyed this live performance (concert, play, musical, or dance performance):
I don’t think I saw anything live this year :|

Here’s a song I listened to over and over again this year:
Basically anything off Folklore.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2022?
I honestly don’t know.

Who was your greatest musical discovery?
Phantogram. Not that I hadn’t listened to them before this year, but I didn’t know I was listening to them specifically. I began seeking them out.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

This is something I wish I hadn’t bought this year:
Most of the shit I bought off amazon. Something I’m really trying to keep in mind this year.

Someone I really enjoyed spending time with this year was:
Myself. M. Getting to see Bastet, twice even!

One time I stood up for myself this year was:
2022 was The Year of Self-Advocacy. I stood up for myself in every single medical appointment I had, and sometimes dealing with people at work. IT WAS EXHAUSTING.
When I was still the manager of the student program I ran, I used to talk to these high school kids about self advocacy. I realize now that I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about, then. Sorry kids.

The scariest thing I went through this year was:
I had a lot of extreme reactions to things that weren’t actual threats… Maybe scary isn’t the right word, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t terrified.

Here’s how I grew spiritually this year:
I thought a lot about my beliefs this year and whether or not I am living by my values (the verdict is still out). I did meet a fellow Pagan at work, though, and now he seeks me out and talks to me about the local community, which I told him was full of “too many white women appropriating indigenous spirituality”. It’s a balance…

The best gift I received this year was:
Actual literal gift, M paid for (some of) my (very expensive) triple forward helix piercing.
Metaphysical gifts, there was a lot of peace, love and connection this year. I have good people.

The nicest thing someone did for me this year was:
My boss giving me the space to tackle getting my head right. That support, at that time, meant everything. And just confirmed how awesome a guy he is.

The nicest thing I did for someone else this year was:
Who am I to judge? I try to be generous in word and deed, but I never know what really connects unless people tell me.

I showed real gumption this year when I:
Stood up to medical professionals trying to give me bullshit diagnoses.

If I could change one thing about this year it would be:
Honestly, this kind of magical thinking rubs me the wrong way. I make an effort to not regret things in life. There’s literally nothing I could have done that would have changed outcomes, and the one thing I wanted to be different, my mental health, would have made the events of the year entirely unpredictable. I prefer reality, as harsh as it is, sometimes.

This year my physical health was:
I was debilitatingly unmotivated, which resulted in a general decline of my physical health. I intend to be more proactive this year.

Here’s a new friend I made this year:

This year I traveled to:
Winnipeg, Toronto & Hamilton. The bar is low for 2023.

Here’s one adventure I had this year:
I really enjoyed getting to rewrite my personal history with Winnipeg.

This year I spent a lot of time here:
tucked into the corner of my couch in the reading room.

This year I broke out of my comfort zone by:
Jeeze I feel like last year was entirely out of my comfort zone…

My biggest time waster this year was:
OMG, TikTok when I was in Wpg, Marketplace once I was home. Talk about dissociating.

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