unhappiness explained... in just testing

I realize that I wrote that last entry on my phone in the heat of being upset and didn't fully explain.

I think I have talked more than enough about the working on Sunday's issue:

Monday through Friday he works 3pm to 1am so I don't see him allll week. Saturday's he doesn't usually get up till1pm - and I have him all days Saturday and then Sunday he goes back to work.

So I see my husband... less than a week a month [I've multiplied the hours and done the math] in a good month.

That is NOT working for me. And the thing is, I could see him...9 days a month IF he would stop volunteering to work on Sundays.

But he's made it clear that it doesn't matter how I feel. He's going to work a couple of Sundays a month - no matter what.

Which hurts, a lot. Esp. since I've threatened divorce over this issue. What' s the point of having a husband if you see him 6 days a month. I don't even find it worth it anymore. He doesn't care enough to stop. He doesn't care how I feel.

OK so this week I suggested that maybe I would feel more comfortable with the issue is I got to choose the Sunday's he worked - instead of the news being sprung on me a few hours before he has to leave.

I told him since my period hits at the end of the month, I choose that you work the 2 last Sundays of every month at least you'll be here when I feel good and gone when I feel unwell. That's a good compromise, a good system.

He said OK.

Yesterday I asked him if he told his boss he'd be working the last 2 Sundays of July and he said no.

I asked why he didn't tell his boss and he said because he plans to work every Sunday from now on [except today] because he plans on being fired in November.

Why? Because in November is when all the yard jockeys [that's what he is] have to take a sleep apnea test - where basically they check how you're breathing while you sleep. The more over weight you are [usually] the less breathing you do while sleeping and the more stress your heart is under.

And he heard somewhere, I dunno if it was from his job or what, that if you're SO OVERWEIGHT that your neck is over 17 inches wide you're pretty much doomed to fail the sleep apnea test. Will's neck is a 20 [he says].

SO if you fail, you have to buy a $2500 sleep apnea machine that you wear to sleep at night to control your sleep apnea. If you refuse to buy the machine you are let go.

He is SURE he will not pass the test and he will not spend $2500 on that machine so he will be let go in November.

Never mind the fact that I have a treadmill sitting in the FUCKING living room because he says it's too much weight to lose - even with 5 months to do it - so he's not even going to try. He's just going to find another job.

SOOOO he has to work every Sunday from here to Kingdom Come to save money to pay off the stupid fucking TV and pad our savings for when he is unemployed.

Because if you know Will - he won't find a job BEFORE he's let go - he'll wait till he's let go.

So that means no cruise because there's no certainty that that he'll be working next year, or where he'll be working next year.

AND even if he paid off the TV and we could afford the cruise we've got his parents debt hanging over our fucking heads since they didn't take care of their shit and irresponsibly brought him into it YEARS ago, before I knew him.

He flat out said "we can't have dreams [like of a cruise or a house or a nice future of any kind] because we have to work to survive'.

How fucking soul crushing is that?????

On one hand I'm very sad that he feels this way and has all this on his shoulder but on the other hand.

I don't want this life. I don't want a dreamless life with a 'life partner' who doesn't give a shit how I feel.

I don't know what to do but I don't want this life.

I feel like I've given up a lot! It's little stupid things that add up to everything. It's too stupid to even explain here and no one seems to care. If my husband is making money - then nothing else matters. That's how everyone feels.

Is it wrong to rather be poor and together and happy than make more money and see eachother 6 days a month.

He doesn't understand my side of anything. He over powers and he doesn't care. It has to be his way and not only that but I have to be happy about it because if I express any unhappimess to him it's a world's end fight.

He can't just UNDERSTAND me and why I feel the way I do - he has to force me to agree to think like him. And we are so different.

And my main problem also is that I try to be OK to keep the peace. I try to accept what is and he thinks I'm OK with everything but I'm just pushing down my unhappiness about everything and when I melt down then it's a major fight cause he thought I was ok with it.

But shouldn't he KNOW that I'm not. After all the fighting - why does he think I'm OK.

Maybe cause we're always apart so he never see's me.

My latest solution I guess is to live my life as a single person. Stop hoping that he'll be around to hang out with and go back to making plans with my friends on the weekends, as if I don't have a husband cause that's what it feels like.

Obviously 6 days a month is more than enough for him cause he'd probably work Saturdays too if they let him. Imagine all the over time he'd bring home?!? Well he can bring it to an empty home for all I care. I hate this life.

And what pisses me off most is I tried to compromise. I finally gave in to 2 Sundays a week and suddenly he has to work all 4?

What's the point in me even being around. He doesn't care about me. He cares about money.

And YES caring about money and your bills is important but when you ignore and push away the ones you love due to it???

There's gotta be balance and he's unwilling and I'm done trying.

I mean, the TV was $2400. We have $ 1100 in savings right now. I told him to TAKE IT - just to get the load off his back!! I can start adding to savings - which I've barely done in a year due to my debt - by my next paycheck. I'm finally in a place to start helping him like he helped me but he refuses. And I know a man has pride and all that but I'm supposed to be his partner and it's more than evident that he doesn't feel that way at all. I

I didn't want to accept his help either during this year but when I refused we got into fights until I did. He's anger and pressure makes everything he wants happen and nothing that I want happen.

I don't think anyone, even here, understands. I know I often blow up and then settle down and so it looks like that's just me. But HE'S what makes me blow up - constantly - and then the only reason I settle down is cause I HAVE TO. If I don't give in the fighting will NEVER END and it's NOT FAIR and I don't like living this way.

And then part of it all is that, yea, he was a money obessed workaholic when he first got a job while I was with him and I married him anyway so the blame is on me but I feel like it's all gotten worse!!! I knew what I was getting into when I married him but I guess I wasn't prepared for the 'worse' in 'for better or worse' and right now I don't fucking care about the vow. Because HE'S making it worse! It doesn't have to be!!!! He's making it this way.

It's not like it's a sickness or him being fired or anything that's out of his control. He sees how unhappy his actions make me and he thinks he's right and I'm being silly and my emotions have no importance and he's gonna do what he wants.

It's not fair and I don't want to be tied to this anymore.

HE is making me UNHAPPY. Not something I don't understand or can't control.

HE is making me unhappy.

And I don't deserve to live like this. And I think I'd be happier ALONE than separated from the one I love SO MUCH from his own actions.

I don't expect anyone to agree with me but it's how I feel. I'm simply lonely but to me, as a person, with my background, it's actually a much bigger deal. I feel lonlier married than I ever did single. And I'm tired of being unhappy.

So what does this mean.

Divorce?

Eventually, maybe. I'm not in the yellow pages looking up lawyers right now - I'm just gonna back away from him right now - which is what he wants. He wants to make his money and pay his bills and nobody pulling on his coat tails for attention. He doesn't want anyone else in his life that will stop him from what he wants to do. So I def will back up. Maybe I'm not waiting for his crumbs of attention every weekend he'll see what it's really like to be apart and want to make time for me.

I know I'm too 'available'. I have dropped plans with friends when he comes into town and I have stopped hanging out with my friends during the weekends just to soak up any time I can get with him and he doesn't care. He doesn't care that I care so much about him.

Maybe he needs to know what it's like to feel alone.

Maybe he'll like it. He often says he wishes he was single so he didn't have to answer to anyone.

Maybe, maybe, maybe - I have no solid answers right now.