Beige in The Devil Beneath My Feet

It’s been a while
Again

I don’t really feel like recapping

Spicy brain time

I just had the funny thought that, barring a meteor crashing through the window in the next few hours and boring its way into my skull, I’ll have made it another year.

Another year of thinking about it at least once a day but not doing it.

I don’t know, man, I don’t pretend to know what the future holds but I’m guessing it’s gonna be stupid. It’s gonna be real fucking stupid for a real long time.

I don’t know if this is forever. This weird feeling I have, I don’t know if I’m gonna have to talk myself out of this every day forever.

One thing I’ve become absolutely certain of this year is that I’m not alive for me and I doubt I ever will be. I kinda held onto the hope thus far that eventually I’d wanna live for me, but that’s clearly not happening. Every breath is a favor for someone else and it probably always will be.

The guilt of leaving them confused causes me pause for now but MAN is it TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A DISTRACTED DRIVER WHEN IM CROSSING THE STREET?

Helluva mindset to be going into the new year with.

But, this is the best i got for now, so we make it work while it can.

Happy New Year.