*sigh* in Second 1st

  • Dec. 24, 2022, 11:18 a.m.
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So, I had started an entry and the power went out.... now I don’t have the umpf.... and I’ve been procrastinating things and don’t have a tone of time to do them as I expect my family to start showing up around 11.... an hour and 20 mins.

I wanted to tell you about the 17th.... when I broke down and begged for attention from Rocky. My soul is tired of doing this but it’s been 4 months since he touched me last. He came to bed with me but and started rubbing my back but I just cried. I don’t want to beg for it and when I break down I feel so gross for having to say anything at all that I don’t want.... nor think I deserve to be touched.... I mean what kind of wife has to beg for attention deserves it? .... I don’t know it’s a slew of emotions and I was a tad high and.... emotionally stupid as it was that time of month.... and though I like to give myself these excuses it does not make the feelings invalid. This is not the first mate I’ve had to beg attention from.

Next morning I messaged Jake
Me: I cried myself to sleep last night. I tried to start a conversation about how I feel. I basically begged for attention so he came to bed with me. He ran his hand over my back for a few minutes before water works really got going. He doesn’t get that after begging for it I feel like trash and I don’t want to be touched. The reminder isn’t an invitation. It’s a sign of my breaking point. Sorry baby, that you had to wake to this.

Jake: Ouch babe not a way to get to bed. He is losing you and he is doing everything wrong you have spoken more than once about this and I feel sad that you had to go to sleep like that.

Me: It’s not much better this morning. I just want to be loved without having to ask for it. I’m going to just be a pile of pieces when I get to you

Jake: it’s ok we will piece you back together you are strong you have value and you are deeply loved and cared for.

The things he says warm my heart. I’ve had several scary thoughts since begging.... mostly the next day. Thankfully followed by “but Jake” .... mostly if he feels for me like I feel for him he would be crushed. It would not be something he could fix and with his brain, the way it is he could follow and I don’t want that for him.... of Cian. Not followed by “but Rocky”.... Like Rocky would get sad but he would survive. ....

If Jake died tomorrow I’d care a ton less if I did.... I am really starting to believe we are meant to be at some point. I don’t remember ever feeling this way about someone........ we talk about the honeymoon phase and honestly it’s probably stretched out because of our lack of contact. However, we’ve been talking since the start of June and I still feel the connection. I still feel heat from the fire.

Sammy is here. I’m sure Rocky won’t make another move till his brother leaves the 30th. That’s okay being as I’m likely to be loud if all went well.... though honestly, I know there is going to be a serious lack of effort and it’s going to be missing the want.... why would it have desire or passion.... I had to beg for it after all....

I’ve spent a bit of 1 and 1 time with Sammy. Talking about the situation. Some high some not high. Telling him about how excited I am to go talk to a counselor.... They moved that to the 4th btw.

It’s 10:02 and no one is up but me.... I’m thinking about not doing the basic cleaning I need to.... but it would only make my mother do it.... and I hate that....but it sucks that Rocky doesn’t care if it gets done.... OR trusts that I will do it all and he won’t have to.... yes, trust to do basic cleaning tasks sucks.... …

short list: clean table, dishes, counters, island, sweep.... I’m not going to concern myself with the living room.... though some empty Krystal boxes are just killing me (Had Krystal’s the 19th for dinner).

I made a few Tic Toks with crochet and beading stuff I’ve done this year.

I guess that’s all I have to say right now. I have things to do and less than an hour to do them.... and that’s assuming no one will be crazy early....

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