Winter Stars in anticlimatic

  • Nov. 23, 2022, 10:22 p.m.
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  • Public

I don’t believe in astrology, but I’ll be fucked if I didn’t feel the moon pull me right outside and down the sidewalk tonight. I had just returned from the grocer and had intended on settling in and relaxing, place to myself for the night, but some energy from somewhere gripped me and sent me out on a stroll. It’s that damp, just above freezing temperature, where everything is drips and mist. Sheets of ice shining under streetlights.

Above me the clouds parted, and even though I had left my glasses behind, and the cool air was rendering my vision a bit stiff and blurry, I could see the clear stars for the first time in I’m not sure how long. They’re never this clear in the summer, I swear- or maybe it’s the air that’s clearer, and it makes all else seem of a kind?

The stars moved above the blacks of the trees, and I felt a familiar overlay to time passed that I had beheld the stars in a similar way, in similar conditions, with a similar mind- and where the image used to be very clear and familiar, it felt more distant tonight. Half forgotten. I felt the sense, for the first time, that the road was erasing itself behind me. Can I live in a moment like that? Unmoored by memory’s chain of custody?

I think, rather, age has forced my disk space to exceed my ram. Too many memories, lives, experiences, incarnations- lifetimes, sagas, chapters, entire novels have occurred- I can no longer tabulate my experiences. I can no longer quantify them in a linear fashion. They are fragged beyond order. From someone who is obsessed with systems and meticulous organized detail, especially by way of preservation for posterity sake, this is a tough pill to swallow.

I need to get laid. If I can’t defrag my brain, I can at least empty the overflowing recycle bin.

Last updated November 23, 2022

Sleepy-Eyed John November 23, 2022

I thought you had a gf.

I don't know how your mind works. It's so different than mine.

anticlimatic Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 23, 2022

I have a gf, but we don't get it on much. Might have to change that.

Sleepy-Eyed John anticlimatic ⋅ November 23, 2022

Mind if I ask why?

probably can't even compare to being in a long distance relationship for like a decade and not getting it on.

anticlimatic Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 23, 2022

We both damaged each other really badly early on in the relationship, and although the relationship survived not every part of it did. Other systems have slowly recovered, but that one is lagging. I've been in a long distance relationship relationship before too, I'm used to just being with my imagination lol.

Sleepy-Eyed John anticlimatic ⋅ November 23, 2022 (edited November 23, 2022)


Ya. I get that. I kinda did that too with the girl, but it was really complicated. Like stupidly so.

I get ya. How long you been together?

I used my imagination last night. better than porn, for real. Because I could think of everything.

anticlimatic Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 23, 2022

We have been together for three years now. So far it's been getting better and better, so I hope we can keep at it. Imagination is definitively better than porn. A lot of what I write on here is nonsensical, just kind of word vomit to clear my head. I used to write much better when I was younger.

Sleepy-Eyed John anticlimatic ⋅ November 23, 2022

Right. That's good. It's hard to find someone you can connect with. I usually use porn, it's faster and easier, but sometimes I like to use my imagination and it's always more "fun." I try to keep it sparse sometimes. I write a lot in a private journal, like every day, but on here it's usually just what I feel will keep me 'going' and able to chat with people or get feedback, I GUESS.

anticlimatic Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 23, 2022

Isn't it wild how different people can be? Your brain is just as foreign in a form sense. Like I feel like we have a lot of the same ideas, but they are made out of completely different stuff.

Sleepy-Eyed John anticlimatic ⋅ November 23, 2022

Ya. I could see that, sorta. We don't talk much, but I find you weird and different and strong with the jedi mind stuff than most people. I just don't know what the fuck you're talking about or how you've reached your conclusions. But sometimes I get it too, and it's like, wow, that's kinda nice.

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