Fuck it all. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got hired at that job but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I’m struggling with my mental health and honestly feel like I could end it and not care one bit. No one gives a shit about my daughter or myself and childcare is ridiculously expensive and I wouldn’t be able to afford it working part time and even full time, I wouldn’t be able to cover all the bills. My Mom of course said that she’d watch her if I needed her to but we all know that it doesn’t happen.

My daughter is missing her Dad and I know that plays a part in her acting out at school. I worry about taking a job with her on the verge of getting kicked out of the after school program and then I’m fully reliant on my Mom who isn’t reliable whatsoever and I also don’t want to worry that my Dad would have to come with her and all that noise. I’m really struggling trying to figure out what to do. I’m really only concerned about Thanksgiving and Christmas break and I’ve messaged a few sitters over Facebook who want up to $200 a week (part time) and I refuse to work just to pay for childcare.

I’m in one helluva bind and I have no way out. It’s either stay on welfare and just scrape by until my kid is old enough to be home alone and just pray my car doesn’t break down or try to figure out how I would pay all the bills and childcare. I am humble enough to admit that I can’t afford everything on my own. I could before inflation but now, I’m terrified that with paying for childcare, I wouldn’t be able to cover my rent and then end up homeless.

Sometimes I think about finding a nice family for my daughter and just unaliving myself. I feel like I can’t give her the life she needs. I can’t give her a Dad, hanging out with people outside of school is usually pretty rare and if we go to my parents house, we aren’t welcome there. My little brother just ran us out of there earlier. She just has so much love to give everyone and there’s no one that cares enough to receive it. We are all we have.

I just hope someone will tell me that it’s going to get better. I don’t know how but it’s just got to before I lose what’s left of my mind.