Quiet in The Devil Beneath My Feet

Two entries in a day but fuck it I have more to say. That little tweet of kindness earlier really threw me for a loop and I had to vomit that outta my head asap.

Anyway work was bullshit today but when is work not bullshit for anyone?

Just hugely frustrating, I had 5 days off and it feels like I had 0 days off. My one coworker is just so convinced she knows better, and is constantly tying to work around procedures that exist for a fuckin reason and making more work for everyone. Pisses me off to no end.

I’m all for new ideas, if you figure out a simpler way to do something - holy shit homie I am with you, but these are NOT simpler they’re just considerably MORE ANNOYING, I work my ass off as it is I don’t need to work harder for no fucking reason.

Came to a head today after I found like the fourth instance of her being a shit and I got verbally flustered about it with my boss.

“This is EVERY YEAR, [boss]. Every year around now when it starts getting crazy here come the bullshit shortcuts that are NOT SHORTCUTS and peppering little secrets all over the schedule and I’m just TIRED OF IT, it’s EVERY YEAR!!! And EVERY TIME this shit comes to a fuckin head you notice she’s always conveniently not here that day. I’m over this, this is horseshit, when I left the schedule was NOT LIKE THIS, this is AIR TIGHT now, we have NO ROOM for emergencies or moving anything, she’s got like 4 vessels a day going out, this is insane, unless you know something I don’t?! Where’s the manpower?! I’ve been trying to schedule an email from [bigger boss] SINCE ONE O’CLOCK! There’s NOWHERE TO PUT IT!!!”

She agrees, and is sort of at a loss. I don’t blame her, it’s not her fault. It’s just frustrating as fuck.

I am also now thoroughly convinced my bosses are talking about me.

I responded to [bigger boss]’s email with “Hey [bigger boss], just don’t want you to think this got ignored - still going over the schedule and trying to fit this in, sorry for the delay. Will have an answer for you by tomorrow am.”

About an hour later, he called me, which isn’t unusual because he calls me about 8 billion times a day looking for miracles - of which I am fresh fucking OUT of thanks to the schedule being so TIGHTLY PACKED. I answered.

“Samantha. Are you ignoring me?”

“No I am not ignoring you, which is why I sent you an email specifically stating that I am not ignoring you.”

Launched into a diatribe about how the contractor referenced in his email is a pain in the ass who never has his shit together blah blah blah I was half paying attention.

And then he says, “So don’t re-invent the wheel just to appease him. If we can do it we can do it, if not, well. Just do your best, you always do.”

Now I know him and my direct boss are talking about me. That’s two compliments in a month, that doesn’t happen, not from him. He’s much quicker to be like “ok dumbass you did your job, whaddya want a fuckin parade?” Which honestly I much prefer. I really do not do well with compliments and empty bullshit ones like the one he tried to feed me today just serve to piss me the fuck off.

Don’t fuckin patronize me, I know I do my job fine, I’m not employee of the goddamn month and I don’t wanna be. Just let me fuckin work. If I gripe it’s for a reason, and yeah I need to vent sometimes. I still do my job and I’m still gonna do my job so chill the fuck out.

On the flip side now I have to really hunker down. I really gotta get this shit ass job in there now, and I have to shut the fuck up while I do it. No more voicing anything. Now I know I’m being watched and spoken about, they’re feeding me bullshit condescending compliments and I’ve seen this before, this is a nice way of saying “you’ve got an attitude problem,” — which, I do. I absolutely do. Because this place makes me want to do drugs on a daily basis. But they can’t know that.

More to squish down. I’m out of room.