What a beautiful evening. I walked to the store after dark in the rain. It was warm so I wore shorts with a raincoat and umbrella. I don’t have much of a sense of smell any longer, but I could still taste it in the back of my throat. That warm rainy night in November kind of flavor.
I can’t get over how much people mean to me tonight, and how much they have meant to me. How much more time I wish I could have with them. How much more time I wish I did have with them. Something about the rain really opens things. I feel more connected with humanity than I have recently- though some fresh ponderings have arisen.
First- do I have a pathological need to live in a state of rebellion? Is it immaturity refusing to be outgrown? Do I choose the society I think I wish to live in, not because I actually do wish to live in it, but because that is the society I am most comfortable living in a state of rebellion against? This is a haunting prospect I wish I hadn’t found.
Second- what really is a person? Does everyone invent one to be with their conscious minds?- should everyone invent one to be with their conscious minds? Certainly we want to decide what we are, yet we have no real control over what origin inspires those decisions. Certainly there are things for the greater good that we must do, that we wouldn’t otherwise, that require conscious intervention and programming. If it is so ideal, why does it also feel so disingenuous and fragile? A full time job’s worth of energy required to summon and maintain? Does it really make someone better- or better to be around? It doesn’t seem so to me.
On politics I have to rationalize away the worst of it. It’s growing more difficult but it’s still not unheard of to have kin and peers, who are all good people, of varying perspectives. I wonder if we align our politics with the archetype that most embodies the positive characteristics we wished we had- the person we choose to aspire towards- and if we transmute self loathing and contempt towards the archetype that most embodies the negative characteristics we actually have, and resent.
One can create security yet long for art, and one can create art yet long for security.
Last updated November 04, 2022