What is friendship, really, and how can you lose the closest friendship you’ve ever had? in Daydreaming on the Porch
- Nov. 2, 2022, 7:26 a.m.
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- Public
Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
Octavia Butler
I let go, and I’ll be trying to pick up the pieces for a long time to come, or else I’ll finally move on and let those scattered pieces of a once-close friendship lie where they fell. Silence is golden after awhile.
This is the prelude to an account of an unforeseen exchange with one of my once-close friends whom I’ve known since 1974. I’m in sort of a grieving process because I didn’t think this would ever happen and I’m feeling a profound sense of loss. There are only a few such friends that come along in a lifetime.
A few days ago, I wrote this account. I cannot see this whole event that involved a back and forth email exchange, in anything but a subjective and biased light, clinging as I still am, sadly, to a friendship that, as my wise sister said, hasn’t been close for a very long time. I just kept assuming or even pretending it was.
Here is what happened. And as I said, I simply cannot view it objectively.
I have been in a period of prolonged funk because a couple I have known for 48 years, and who I was once very close to, was in town all this past week on a first-ever long visit to Charleston, but we avoided seeing each other very unexpectedly. Sadly, we had an email exchange two weeks ago that angered me as a provocation, and highlighted in the worst way possible our vast political, religious and many other related differences
In the first email, C… sent a notably conservative article for me to react to — unfathomably — and I felt obligated to send a detailed response, which he basically ignored after I had put a good bit of time, thought, and research into.
Then, when he responded to that by bringing up other things, I sent an angry reply that I had meant to sleep on before sending, but hit the “Send” arrow instead of the “Cancel/Save Draft” button instead. At first I was disbelieving I had done that, but then thought about it and realized it was meant to be — fate, for lack of a better word. Also, I just discovered the other day that I could have “un-sent” the email if I had done it within 30 seconds.
Needless to say, the email was sent, and no taking it back, but none of this should ever have happened. In the past, we have been able to enjoy each other’s company while scrupulously avoiding discussion of controversial topics. But now, in the Age of Trump and the January 6 insurrection attempt, all bets are off. He said he should not have sent the article, and appeared genuinely taken aback by my reaction, and was mildly conciliatory, but the events of the past half dozen years have put me greatly on edge about the future of this country, which has been so terribly polarized and riven with deep-seated and opposing politics and ideologies, like never in my lifetime.
We both agreed that only time will tell where the friendship goes from here, if anywhere. I’m trying to understand why, knowing me as well as he does, he would send that article. I offered to show them around a special nature park where I often walk in one of the related emails, and then wrote a firm, but conciliatory email, which he has not responded to. Basically, for whatever reason, I’ve had the last word. Will it end up being literally that? I don’t know.
I had been going back and forth all this past week (they left yesterday) about whether to contact them anyway to pretend perhaps this had not happened, and that it was just some very unfortunate misunderstanding. But, no, it was much, much more than that.
In the midst of all this, a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh popped up, further confusing me:
“Where there is anxiety, irritation, and anger in us, we cannot decide clearly what to do.”
How true! Nevertheless, I made the decision not to contact them, and let my final email of the exchange be open to them taking the next step. Complicated, yes, I know, but life is complicated.
I so wish we were not living in such terribly, dangerously fragmenting times which are able to literally destroy the longest-lasting friendships. So, I’m very distressed about all of this. Most of my adult life I have either frequently visited these two people, having many enjoyable times together, and for a number of years, the deepest and best conversations one can imagine because we thought alike, or else I have been keeping in touch by letter or email, even if years went by without any contact. This was even long after he experienced a radical change and religious conversion, and espoused views that were totally the opposite of what we previously shared in common. This has baffled me for more than 40 years, but we still were able to maintain our friendship and keep in touch. Apparently, not anymore. This is so sad because, while I hope these developments are not permanent, I can’t at the present time think otherwise.. It makes me question what friendship really is.
Last updated November 02, 2022
mcbee ⋅ November 02, 2022
I think the politics of the last 8 years have been the cause of many ended or damaged friendships, families who no longer speak or get along and a general inability to to talk about our thoughts and feelings about the direction of our country because many people have become completely irrational about it. Of course I always think that it's the other side that has lost all ability to see the truth....and there seem to be many that blindly follow along, defiantly loyal....because no one is going to tell them they are wrong. I will never feel the same about some of my friend/family''s intelligence and humanity for their inability to see the pain and hate that has been brewed by a people that are, ironically, called public servants. One man started this hate and divide in our country, but so many went along with him that I have tried to read and understand what their side is feeling/saying. In one way I get it, but I will never understand the lack of ability to admit truth when it is clearly presented. In your case, if this ended up being that you had the last word, I can't help but say you did the right thing.
Deleted user mcbee ⋅ November 03, 2022 (edited November 03, 2022)
Edited
I think this started before Trump. I think It started when the internet became a place for people to say things to each other under a cloak of anonymity on the internet that they would never say in person for fear of getting laid flat with a decent right hook. It just so happened that the controversial 2000 election and the even more controversial war in Iraq provided fertile soil for division to take hold and grow at the time. Trump just capitalized on it 15 years later. He basically allowed the cockroaches to come out into the open.
mcbee Deleted user ⋅ November 04, 2022
Very good point!
Oswego mcbee ⋅ November 03, 2022
This is so true. Also, as Zenayda said, the origins of the nastiness and deep partisan divides go back at least to tge two Bush presidents (people like Lee Atwater and Karl Rove, Rumsfeld and Cheney), and the Iraq War, but also lie squarely with politicians like Reagan and Newt Gingrich. But the appalling and unbelievable wretchedness and sordidness of MAGA Republicans is reaching for the very apex of vileness and divisiveness. In the back of my mind I kept thinking for years, what would I do if I found out for sure my highly intelligent friend was a Trumpist. I’d always brush the thought away, knowing it was probably true, but staying in denial, but now knowing for sure.
ConnieK ⋅ November 02, 2022
The friendship you had was a friendship, but people change over the years and some changes can prove to be insurmountable. My brother told me this when it happened to me: "Connie, sometimes the people in our past are best left there."
As far as you feeling guilt over this parting, I'd like to make these points:
1. He baited you. He knew your politics and sent you something meant to provoke.
2. He did not acknowledge your counterpoint. You acknowledged his opening shot, but he could not return that common civility.
3. My personal belief is that when old friends pull this (been through it twice), their behavior is meant to be rude and insensitive.
4. This might be a message from the universe so you don't keep wasting time being nice to a putz.
I would not contact them. Don't send a Christmas or birthday card. The ball is in his court.
Oswego ConnieK ⋅ November 03, 2022
Thank you for all those valid and helpful points you raised. This is what I was hoping I would hear — the reactions of people who could be much more objective than I.
He claims he wasn’t provoking me, but how else can one interpret sending that article, and then he acted as if he didn’t even get or see the links to my two counter articles. Never said a work about them. This is one of the most mysterious things about all this. My critique of the article was, in my view, a well thought out one that I think caused him some embarrassment because the credentials of one of the authors was so patently anti-intellectual in his organizational affiliation. And he sure it was posted on was made to look like that of the official Federalist Society, which it wasn’t even affiliated with.
Yes, the timing is such, coming only weeks before the mid-terms, that I cannot help but heed my basic instincts and reactions to this. Even though it’s a clear message, I’m still in a state of denial. It will take awhile to process this.
ConnieK Oswego ⋅ November 03, 2022
His loss, not yours. You did the research, you called him out, so the only thing left was to blame you for over reacting. Classic case of gaslighting.
It hurts for a while. You'll be tempted to write him but don't. He made this choice. He deliberately chose it but wants to pretend he didn't.
Deleted user ⋅ November 03, 2022
I was wondering what happened and what the status was. It's a bummer that this happened. I experienced similar, but with people I knew for less time. It hurts, but you are not the one who changed here. The other fellow is.
Oswego Deleted user ⋅ November 03, 2022
I agree, but the ironic thing is that he insisted to me that it was others and the world around him that changed, while he stayed true to his own course. The fact that his course is always the right one, presents problems when any kind of mutually respected dialog is attempted and fails. I’m not saying our core beliefs have to change, but in so many other areas we do have to be open-minded, or a least moderate or broaden those beliefs to incorporate other points of view.
Deleted user Oswego ⋅ November 03, 2022
Wow. I mean, a religious converson and a shift in political ideology and he says he hasn't changed? I will protest that, because it would be like, well, ME saying that: I was a Reagan Republican but voted Democratic in 2000 and haven't looked back, and I was a Roman Catholic until I converted to Unitarian Universalism the following year. Heck YES that is change! I don't get how he can deny it, having been through it myself.
Jinn ⋅ November 03, 2022
I guess I disagree with the others as I think losing a friend or a family member over our country’s corrupt politics and government is not worth it . I stand firmly behind the “ You do you “ idea and “ I will do me and I will try not to judge you “ . If I truly cared about these people I would contact them and put this forth. I would say I don’t care about your politics but I do care about the relationship. I will respect your opinions and please respect mine .” I don’t believe our politics should define us as people, nor angrily separate us as friends. I would give it another shot and if I had responded hurtfully in that initial email; I would sincerely apologize.
I fight this battle with my cousin all the time as she is a rabid Trumper but I love her as my cousin and as a good friend . I am not willing to lose her over her crazy conspiracies and beliefs. I tell her all the time ; we just have to agree to disagree but I love you no matter what . Life is too short . ❤️
Oswego Jinn ⋅ November 04, 2022
I hear what you are saying. But in a short entry like the one I wrote, there is no way I could have established enough context for readers to fully understand the story. I focused here on the political differences only because that was what finally brought us to the edge of the precipice. We came close a couple of years ago during the racial injustice protests around the country two years ago after the murder of a George Floyd. But this time was different.
My antipathy for Trump and minions is so vast and unassailable that supporters of him, for no matter what reason, in my view have gone completely beyond the pale. Political differences mean much much more now because the very fate of our rule of law and democracy hangs in the balance, and what trump is enabling is a purposeful, Fascistic theocracy ruled over by moralistic hypocrites and anti-intellectuals. You know all this. I’m not trying to belabor the point,
But my now erstwhile friend pushed things far beyond politics by establishing other topic areas that we could not discuss — religion (which has always been a given as he is a very conservative Catholic), education, issues of sexual identity and by implication the whole field of sex and GLBTQ issues, education, the arts, environment, etc. with subjects like abortion and death with dignity completely verboten. And, as is obvious, all of these issues are intimately tied up in our polarized politics. He told me this emphatically, and that almost nothing nowadays is immune from political overtones. So it’s not just politics, it’s everything else coming to a head. On my part anyway there have been decades of repressed disillusionment and differences between us about the most fundamental topics, ideas and philosophies that can fracture people’s relationships. Somehow in the past we could overcome this, largely because we had very little contact most of he time, with years passing sometimes between visits and contact of any kind. It’s been quite some years since I’ve spoken to either him or his wife on the phone.
All this being said, I respect his (and their) right to believe whatever they want, but I simply do not at this point wish to have further contact.
Their lives with 7 children and 12 grandchildren are fully occupied and I feel certain they are not agonizing over this as much as I am. Powerful and good memories from a long gone past do not have the capacity to enable a close friendship to continue past a certain point. Somewhere and at some time one has to just let go, cherishing the memories and acknowledging how much certain friendships have meant over a period years, almost a lifetime, actually.
Jinn Oswego ⋅ November 04, 2022
Oh, I see there are many differences, not simply politics. I understand better now . Still, I am sorry it ended like it has. I don’t understand how they can believe the things they do :-(.
music & dogs & wine ⋅ November 04, 2022
I'm sorry this happened, losing friends is always hard, regardless of why it occurred. I think you are correct in realizing that you sending that email was the right thing. Don't back down on what you believe in just to try to make something work with another person. Sounds like it's definitely their loss, and hopefully they can come to their senses and reach out to you down the road.
Oswego music & dogs & wine ⋅ November 05, 2022
Thank you!
I’m hoping they’ll reach out, but if not… all this has pretty much set the stage for cutting ties altogether. I’m not sure when or if I would want to reach out first. I sorta did that in the final email in which I had the last word. So it’s really up to them. I think one has to have the basic life issues in common to be close friends, and it’s been a long time since we were that.
Newzlady ⋅ November 05, 2022
Very thoughtful notes here. Could be that he was sharing that article among his email list and including you was an “oops” but still, he didn’t handle it well.
Each time I meet someone and think “maybe we could be actual friends” and they turn out to be a Trumper I lose the desire. I can’t respect them. I could stand to disagree with a friend on certain things, but there must be a level of mutual respect.
Oswego Newzlady ⋅ November 06, 2022
That may be true, but I sorta doubt it. I think it was meant just for me. It sure succeeded in greeting me all up in arms, but yet he was so surprised at my reaction! Honestly, ho can you have anything but pity and, yes, contempt for Trumpists and Republicans who still support him despite everything that’s happened. Mind-boggling and frightening. I bet you have to walk a tightrope in that small town where you live!