Thinking Out Loud in 2014

  • June 19, 2014, 5:12 p.m.
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It's definitely summer...high 90s and high humidity the past several days. Not a fun combination with an achy nose and what feels like a nasty case of congestion. Granted, it's not too bad given I just had surgery on Monday, but still not so pleasant. I'm taking Percoset (I'm sure I'm spelling that wrong but I'm too lazy to go look at the bottle) for the pain, but I'll probably stop in another day or so as it's very manageable. I'm also taking an antibiotic twice daily, which will run through the middle of next week. Now that the packing is all removed from my nose, I'm also using a topical antibiotic cream for the incision as well as a saline spray to keep everything clean. It's way too soon to see if it's going to make a huge difference yet as I feel very congested and probably will for at least another week or two. Dried blood and mucus. Yummy.

I've been getting odds and ends done here with the time off work, though I'm doing it in small bursts as the heat and lack of sleep have me really drained. (I've been crashing for the night between 9 and 10 every night this week) But it's been good to be productive, and there's plenty more to do before I go back to work Monday. I've also been writing some in a paper journal, and intentionally trying to write more here as well. I need to get back into that habit, and I need to spend some time getting caught up reading, noting, etc....and finding new people on here. I think that'd be good, too.

I've also been thinking a lot, and the writing it slowly helping get things out of my head (even if not really helping resolving anything yet). One thing that keeps coming up is the introversion, and the related role of emotions. I know it's something I've brought up before, but it's something I think is important. I just.... sometimes wonder if I'm either somehow emotionally...shallow? or stunted? or something. I just don't seem to... feel things as strongly or as....drawn out as others do.

I was thinking about it last week in regards to my dad's birthday, which just passed. (It's also my parents' anniversary) It was the first one we spent since his death, and then immediately followed by Father's Day (admittedly my family's never been much for celebrating holidays beyond July 4th, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). I thought about him a lot (and I do pretty much every day), but I've not really been very emotional about it since....probably the couple of weeks after he died. Same for my grandfather's death back in 2006, my cousin's death in 2010, and my uncle's death not long before my dad's. There's still a....surreal aspect to it, but there's also an acceptance that this is just how it is. Yet I know so many people I'm close to who get very emotional even years after the fact on anniversary's, birthday's, etc. I just don't.

I never seem to get strongly emotional about most things (the day at the hospital when my dad died was very emotional, but even that was a fairly small window of time)......much to my girlfriend's often frustration. I do feel things quite often, but they seem to be.... either less deep or more fleeting or something.... than for most people. I tend to be more....matter of fact? about so much of it. Much like my dad, in that regard.

The problem is that I often feel very overwhelmed in emotional situations. In situations where I can act, I do. I focus on getting things "cleaned up" or straightened out as much as I can. Or I'll just.... let someone vent if needed. But I usually just feel like I'm in over my head, and that's something I do struggle with. It's something I've certainly become more aware of with Anna, and something we've had some conflicts over. But I don't know how to do things differently. A lot of it, I think, is just my personality. Can that be changed? I don't know....

I know, too, that I often struggle with frustration and..... resentment? (I can't think of the right word) when I feel like I'm given some level of responsibility for someone else's emotions or happiness or likewise. I sometimes wonder I'm too selfish to be comfortable with responsibility tied to others. There are certainly days when I feel like I'm getting more and more selfish as I get older. More...set in who I am with my introversion, need for alone time, and lack of emotional....expression.

Or maybe there's something genuinely missing that I just don't get. I don't know.....

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