Playing the Game in Journal

J(my mother) sent me an email yesterday morning.
I’m a far cry from the reactionary emotional guilt/shame/do something response that I was so prone to for all of my life. I realize that I was that way because, if I wasn’t that way, I’d be abused. It’s really that simple. We respond to incentives, eh? Positive and negative. I got rid of my mom from my life, and have zero expectations or need of her, and my bad habits trained into me from infancy go away.
The email was disappointing in that, when I read through it for the first time I felt the smallest sliver of hope for her. And upon reflection, realized it was just more of the same, camouflaged in a new suit of Christian rhetoric. This was a particularly annoying quote;
“I know that there is pain that I caused. I ask for your forgiveness not for me as I have already been forgiven by my Heavenly Father. I ask this for you. For God calls us to forgive those that hurt us so we can be free. It is what I long most for you to be free from the pain of the past.“
I feel annoyed, I think, because of the rank projection. There are no questions, no concern for how her behavior affected me, no curiosity about what could change for a real relationship to be made possible in the future. It’s just, this is what is wrong with you. You need this prescription to get better.
Also the total lack of credibility and the unbelievable arrogance in the act of assigning an illness and a cure adds to the dissociated quality of her communications. “I know that there is pain that I caused.” she says. Okay. If that’s the theory, then pursue the empirical evidence.
But that’s too difficult. It’s difficult, it reveals an investment in the relationship, vulnerability, commitment, love, and it opens up the possibility of acknowledging specific choices have harmed other people.
DH brought another interesting point- even if she was interested in apologizing, what would that look like? What would happen in the event that her words were not just empty but conveyed deep meaning?
Well it would look like the complete condemnation of my dad, her husband. It’d be the admission that her viciousness is borne out of terror and a selfish need to protect herself. It’d mean that she acknowledge her consistent choice to honor the preferences of the abusive adults in her life over the legitimate needs of her children. I say that because, apologies are meaningless word garbage without assurance of non repetition. Or, a BNA. Bullshit Non-Apology.
I think why I am interested in J giving a real apology is because, ironically, it would be good for her. It would allow her to leave behind the fantasy of non-responsibility for the choices she’s made. It would open up the opportunity of discovering how her own free will and ability to choose has created her life. Her experience. Her relationships. Just continuing on in her delusion that nothing is her fault, nor does reality require and mercilessly extract consequences, leads to deeper and deeper dissociation from reality and ultimately hopeless, desperate madness. I’ve already written about my thoughts on mental illness and immorality. I am still convinced that the basic premise is true; a break from reality must be precipitated by an immoral act.
And, I won’t respond. Of course I won’t! This is another in a long line of button-pushing on her part; those painstakingly trained responses that she installed and relied on for all of my life only enables her sense of power and control. Which in turn allows her denial of reality. I do get an occasional and non-so-occasional depending on platform response to my position with J about how I love my mom and everything will end up okay and the relationship will pan out if I give it a chance-!. And it’s sort of sad. Love has nothing to do with upholding historical or genetic proximity. I act out of love for J by refusing to enable her. I genuinely think the world would be an infinitely better place if more people did the same.