I thought all Summer about all the stuff I wanted to do when my daughter went back to school and so far the only thing I’ve done is attend counseling. I wanted to start that program through the hospital about my weight and still haven’t. I wanted to start going to the gym and working out and still haven’t. I wanted to start scheduling job interviews and that hasn’t happened. I know that I’m able to do these things but mentally, I can’t.
It’s like being a single Mom you learn to not even think about the box and live in that box for so long and then once you are physically able to climb out of that box, mentally you are still in it. I was so used to just being a Mom and that was great and now that it’s time to start getting things going, I’m worried about scheduling. I know that my last job fucked me up and I’m still mentally paying for it. One of the issues was never getting off work when I was scheduled and I can’t put up with that now.
I also worry that I’ll go back to the same life where all I do is pay bills and still be in poverty and struggle more than before. I’m worried that no matter what I do, I’ll never be able to buy us a house and get us the fuck out of here. I also worry that I’ll go back to not being able to afford my medications.
I just wish that I would have had help raising my daughter and not have to feel so stuck for so long. I’m angry that BD runs around playing the victim and how there’s really no reason that I’ve raised my daughter by myself other than his selfishness. I’m very down about how I’ve done it all by myself and I’m left to feel so inadequate and have no self esteem. I feel like I just can’t climb out of this funk.
Being in fight or flight mode for so long didn’t make me stronger, it broke me. I feel like I’m still recovering from not getting enough sleep for years and taking care of my daughter. I know I gotta start somewhere, I just don’t know how.