I want to talk about some stuff that’s been heavy on my mind. I’d like to start with why people take it upon themselves to be in the middle of situations that have NOTHING to do with them. I also am really sick of people who only want to side with one party and not care how someone else is dealing with shit.
I’m very upset with my brother for not respecting me enough to quit talking to my BD. The guy is a complete fucking mess and I don’t want anything more to do with him. He threatened to kill me while I was pregnant, told me to have an abortion, I went through my pregnancy with no help from him whatsoever where he just kept abusing me through other people, has had me out here raising a child by myself but thinks I need to just hand her over whenever he decides. Well, that’s not how it works buddy!
I am still trying to repair myself because of him. I’m still trying to heal and I just want to put him in the past. I honestly believe that my daughter is better off and neither one of us need the chaos and disruption that it brings if he comes around. My daughter is doing just fine without him and she’s so consumed with school, learning new things and making new friends that I don’t even remember the last time she’s mentioned him. WE are doing just fine and I’m not going to let anyone disrupt that.
It’s taken me a long time to get to where I’m at. I remember for so long thinking I’m never going to give up and I was just going to allow this same cycle to happen forever. My thought process is so different now. I really like where I’m at with all of this. I accept that I don’t receive CS, he won’t get enrolled, he won’t be an involved parent, his family don’t care, my daughter has everything she could ever want or need because of me and yet, he’s still trying to control my life however possible.
It’s also bullshit that this situation is EXACTLY the way he wants is and it’s STILL NOT ENOUGH! I don’t contact him, his family, his friends, I don’t ask anything of anyone. I leave him to live his life and he’s still finding ways in to try and create issues! I think it’s crazy and weird that he would want to take my child to a family function where he hasn’t seen her in over a year and not care that it could be really uncomfortable for her. It’s also crazy that my brother doesn’t seem to see where this is a concern.
I just feel after everything this guy has put me and my daughter through, EVERYONE in my circle needs to cut him off. Let him stew in the mess he’s made and let it be what it is. I’m sorry that I ever wasted my time and energy on him being a Dad but now, I will NEVER try again. He’s had more chances then what he deserved and I just can’t allow him to breeze in and out anymore. I am just too concerned that my daughter would internalize his inconsistent patters and feel like it’s her fault he doesn’t come around enough.
My biggest problem is that I’m doing just fine without him or having contact and just when I’m feeling totally happy and content, he’s managed to pop up again. I can say that I wish it didn’t make me mad but that would be me not acknowledging my feelings which leads to episodes of anger later on. I just want this guy to leave us the fuck alone! I have no more expectations, I’m done being hurt and I don’t want my daughter getting hurt. He’s done enough damage!!
I don’t even care about CS anymore, I just want my peace. I honestly think my peace means more to me than the fight every single layer that I’ve fought. The guy doesn’t want to change, isn’t capable of change and still wants it all his way. The last time I talked to him, I mentioned wanting to make a written agreement and he wasn’t into that at all. Well, I won’t deal with the inconsistent crap any longer either.
I just watched a TT about what age kids should be left home by themselves. IMO, I think it depends more on maturity and age. My daughter has been asking to be home alone but she’s just too young. I know that I plan to start slowly integrating her into it because there’s going to be times where there will be no other choice. I don’t think it would be bad for her to be home alone during the day and no longer than 2 hours at a time. We don’t have an age requirement here in my state and I may start leaving her at home while I run to the gas station because it takes 5 minutes.
It’s sad to think my daughter would be safer at home than at my parents house. I don’t trust my Dad or my little brother at all and it’s going to be nice when she’s old enough to be on her own for a little bit here and there. I don’t plan to ever leave her home alone at night time or any of that but by the time she’s 7 or 8, it may have to happen. It’s going to be nice when that time comes because I am so sick of asking for anybody to ever help. My Mom has barely been around since she went home back in January and I know that it’s never going to change.
About a month ago, I asked her if she’d want to babysit like once a month so I could go out and do something for even 2 hours and she agreed but hasn’t brought it up since. I think my Dad just has such a lock on her that she knows better than to even bring it up. She went to the Dr the other day to increase the doses on all of her crazy pills because that’s easier than growing a fucking back bone! I noticed that my Dad and little brother have been drinking again and that’s what led to my Dad getting stabbed. Again, none of them are willing to change at all or start working on themselves so the next time someone gets arrested, I will not be going out of my way to help whatsoever.
I have a couple of appointments coming up next month and they fall on the days my daughter doesn’t have school so I may call and see about rescheduling as it would be easier than relying on my Mom. I’m so sick of having no help, even when I desperately need it but there’s nothing I can do. My kid is still too little to be home alone. I always get to made to feel like no matter what I need to get done kid free is just silly and irrelevant. I plan to call on Monday and see what I can get done with my appointments, even if I can get one rescheduled would be super helpful.
Still haven’t heard anything about the jury duty thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t hear anything closer to November when I’m supposed to serve so I can sit and sweat it out until then. I would just like to get a letter saying I’ve been excused so that I can quit worrying about it. There’s 4 days off from school in November so I’m really concerned about what I will deal with if I have to serve and become sick worrying about my Mom helping out with my kid. I’d rather not risk ending up in jail or a big fine all because I didn’t have a fucking babysitter! I also think it’s bullshit that you can’t get excused for work or school but you can get excused to go on vacation?! So I think if I have to serve while there’s no school, I’m going to tell them that we are going to on vacation and see if that will get me off the hook. I’d rather not have to worry about ending up in deep shit because God for fucking bid anyone help with my child!!
I’ve been in my head with this so long that I feel like I got chosen for jury duty just so I can end up in trouble. There’s at least 100000 people that live here and they chose ME! Someone who has NEVER HAD A RELIABLE FUCKING SITTER!! I am just so fucking angry that I have to fucking worry about this at all! I sent in my dr’s note and I’m hoping that’s going to be enough to get me out of it but if not, I’ll get to worry about this for an entire month! I also worry that if I did have to ask my Mom to babysit somehow it will end up where my kid would have to go to their house even though she knows how I feel about that because my Dad has always had this thing where if my Mom babysits, it’s going to be on HIS TERMS! Uh no.
If I do have to serve, I’m going to call the clerk of courts and tell them my situation. Hopefully, someone will show me enough mercy to understand that it’s just not possible for me to commit to being somewhere if I don’t have anyone to watch my kid. Ugh, I just hope I’ll be able to get out of this. If there wasn’t days off from school, I wouldn’t have to stress about it because I would for sure have childcare but I’ve never had anyone be reliable outside of school or daycare.
I’m praying to get some good mail on Monday. I have been diligently checking the mail every single day waiting for my taxes and something saying I won’t have to serve jury duty. I’m just going crazy because the waiting has been absolutely awful. I think once I get 2 pieces of good mail I’m going to be able to calm down and refocus. I’ve never been good at just living in the moment and I hate that there’s always something to worry about. I know that’s just life but sometimes I feel like I’m gonna go crazy. I’m an over thinker anyway and then I have this shit to stress about everyday.