How Then Affects Now in An outlet from life

My mom says I often asked about my dad when I was little. I was in Kinder when he repapered. He came and we moved. Then I was in 3rd grade when he disappeared again. This time I had a story though. He was off to work, they said. He was a truck driver so I guess it was believable.

After school I would go help clean this one teacher’s classroom. She would let me and other kids play with the toys after. At some point she come up to me and asked me about my dad. “Where is he?” she asked. I just remember answering “working”. She said, “you know you can tell me anything.” And I answered with a shrug. In my head I wondered why this teacher was making question what my mom had told me. I remember reaffirming to myself that my mom told me he was at work and that was that.

I was given this story and I would believe it even if I didn’t believe it. I was never given an answer. But it’s not like I ever asked. I would over hear my mom talking to my siblings about it. But if someone asked why he wasn’t here, I would answer with a shrug or
“he is at work. “

Recently I was listening to some podcast. They talked about how our past can affect how we react to our present. Seems obvious but when I really took the time to analyze my reactions to certain situations, it made sense.

My first boyfriend. Everything seemed great until one day I noticed a quick maneuver out of a page he was on. It was Facebook chat. It bothered me. It took me while but I snooped. First time I had ever done it. I am not proud of it. But I did it. While he was showering I looked through his messages. He was talking to a girl. Friendly and flirty. I think there were some heart emoji’s somewhere in there. Honestly, it was light flirting or it had just started. I was only 18. I was shattered. I felt like he was doing something in secret. It didn’t feel right to me. I didn’t talk to him immediately. After a few days I told him what I did. I was crying at this point. I was apologizing for invading his privacy. I asked him to tell me what was going on. I trusted him and I would believe him. So he told me I had nothing to worry about, hugged me and that was that.

Fast-forward 7 years or so that boyfriend becomes my husband. This time no snooping necessary. I was using i-messages to call my mom on Christmas eve when I see a message. Something about “hun,” “cant wait to see you” and “what room are you in”. ugh. My 3 year old was there. I rushed to get him an ice cream and some other distraction while I was breaking inside.

He was sleeping. I wake him and ask him if he had something to tell me. After a long conversation I just tell him that I trust him and he can tell me the truth. I would believe it.

And that was that for a while. But maybe I didn’t believe it. Snooping became a yearly thing. where I often found the “light” flirting and me asking him to tell me the truth.

This last one was different. He was extra distant for quite sometime. Felt like years. And I snooped and this one shattered me into bits. And again asked him to tell me the truth and I would believe him. He talked in tears. We made up and had sex. But I couldn’t sleep thinking about what I saw. I took his phone again just looking at the same message over and over. Hopping to find the truth there vs his mouth.

It was a longer fight this time.

He left and it gave me sometime to think. I took of my ring. I felt I was being disrespected and lied to…

We sat down again and I asked him to tell me the truth and I would believe him . We both deserved to be happy.

We took some couples therapy. that I signed up whenever he had time. Canceled by his work scheduled and rescheduled by me. Therapist moved, so now that’s gone.

Lately I feel like that little girl. Desperate for a story to cling on. A story from someone she loves. And I just feel Sad. Am I living a lie.