I don’t know where to start. I’ve gotten some messages about my last entry. I admit, I’m very angry. I can honestly say that the anger has consumed me. I don’t know who I am without it. I really thought I’ve let a lot of it go but I have still managed to hang on to it with both hands. I think not having a support system and not living life has had a lot to do with it. I would like to talk to my counselor about how I can cope better and figure out how to let go. I’m destroying myself and what happiness I could have being so angry all the time.
I think I sit in my feelings way too much and let stuff get to me more than I ever should. I was a lot better when I was working because I didn’t have the time or energy to worry about people making effort. My daughter is doing just fine without any of these people so I’m unsure why it matters so much to me. She’s so used to people not being around or say they are coming and then don’t. I think it’s because her Dad has been so absent that I don’t want everyone else to be like him but that’s just what’s happened.
Lately I’ve been thinking about getting into an anger management classes. I have a lot to deal with and I’m going to be able to start getting stuff done. I can’t figure out if I truly have an anger issue or I just deal with a lot of people who live to trigger me but either way, I’d like to try and develop skills on keeping myself calm. I hate how people have gotten the absolute worst out of me because so many times I wasn’t able to keep my emotions in check.
I’ve had a lot of people tell me that my daughter isn’t nearly as affected by absence as I am. I’m grateful that it bothers me way more than it does her. I guess it’s because I’ve felt so much sadness by being abandoned and I worry about her ever feeling that. I know that I can’t stop her from ever feeling those things but being the best Mom I can be for her is the best thing I can provide. I can’t change the actions of others but I can control how I react to it.
I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’ve let the actions of others just make me absolutely crazy angry and that’s me losing. I allowed everyone to live rent free in my head for too long. I just need to get back to living and continuing my life with or without other people.
It’s time that I take a step back and see what other people do. If they make effort, I plan to be warm and welcoming and if not, just keep in mind that it’s their loss. I wasted a lot of time trying to basically force everyone to care about my daughter and myself long enough. It’s like no one makes effort unless I plant that idea in their head and I’m just depleaded. I can’t spend my life doing this.
I just want to be able to give my child the best version of myself. I’m anxious to be able to start working on things, starting with attending counseling regularly. My life has been on hold for quite some time now but with her starting school, I’m going to be able to start working on myself.
Looking back on this Summer, it went super fast. We’ve had a lot of fun. I have enjoyed being able to take her to do stuff and be there for her. I remember when I worked my life away and was so tired all the time and we didn’t get to do as much.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I’m blessed beyond measure. I have a ton to be grateful for and maybe I should keep a gratitude journal. We have a lot of positive, wonderful things in our lives and none of that is far from my mind. I have everything I’ve ever prayed for.
One of the things I’m going to work on is not bugging anyone anymore. I’m done reminding people of certain things on certain days. If people want to be included, they will be and if not, I’m going to let it go. I’m there for my daughter every step of the way and she’s going to grow up knowing who was there.
I stepped on the scale this morning and I’ve definitely lost some weight. Probably from sweating it off. It’s been a hot 3 months so I’m always happy when we have days where it’s cooler. I don’t do well with the heat.
We went and picked up some stuff from the store. They had my pumpkin caramel cheesecake latte so I’m excited to try that. My daughter got a new towel and a pop it.