Father's day in just testing

I wonder if he thinks of us at all.

How could a man produce children and let them disappear?

He left when we were .... 5 and 8? We loved him. I know he knew this. Esp. me. I relished being near him all I could. I'd stand in the kitchen just to watch him cook! I'd run to him when I saw him, walking couldn't get me to him fast enough!

My gigantic capacity TO love was because of how much I LOVED HIM.

And now I badger Will because I can't get enough love since he left. I harass Will to be near me every second to give to me the love I need to fill the hole my father left when I couldn't love him anymore because he physically wasn't there.

I called him and he never took my calls, for years. I probably called him for 2 years, maybe more. And even when I stopped calling, I never stopped thinking, wishing, wondering.

I can't love him now. Now that I'm an adult. As a child I had so much forgiveness and I didn't understand, nor did I care. Just come back to me, I don't care what happened between you and mom. Come back to ME.

Now I am grown up and extremely less forgiving. I don't know that there's anything he could say now that could change my mind. Nothing could make up for what he put my heart through.

I care so much - about everything and everyone. I feel TOO much, I'm sure. So I cannot fathom creating a child - children - and then letting them fade away. Not knowing if they're sick, or hurt, or just wanting to know about their good and bad days.

This father's day - I hope he's sorry. I hope he regrets. If he's decent at all I'm sure he does. But I don't even really want to know.