I went to bed in a bad mood. I had a headache and I am waking up with the same headache. I got about nine hours of sleep at least. The headache is due to me hitting my head at work again. I received a written verbal for hitting my head too many times. For reporting it, I should say. I’m trying not to feel so jaded about it still. My mind is trying to spin this into them trying to get rid of me. I didn’t report hitting my head yesterday. This problem literally started just a few weeks ago. The first two times I was clumsy. The third time was not my fault at all. The fourth time I didn’t report, that being today’s accident.
I could start looking for work elsewhere. Truth be told that I do like it there. I get a lot of job satisfaction. It’s not a career choice. I don’t want to be there forever. It’s a nice gig to have while I go to school. That is what I am supposed to be working on.
I have today off and I don’t want to waste it. I probably will. I’ll just end up exercising and do R-rated things to myself, as per usual. I am not in control.
My hairdresser was funny. She poked fun at me for not letting her cut my hair after she dyed it last. I came crawling back. I’m not good at casual conversations, things got a little deep. I mentioned that I kept seeing the number 777. She told me that she keeps seeing 666. She thinks that it is a bad omen because it is the number of the beast. I got into it with her. The esoteric sciences about it all. It’s all astrology and psychology. Satan is Saturn and those numbers aren’t about them magically appearing for us either. In a captured essence, our subconscious sees everything and filters most of it out so that we can focus on one thing at a time. It is making us see those synchronicities. This is when she would visit a shaman, Guru, lightworker or priest to get guidance. Her higher self is trying to communicate.
I associate 666 with Saturn. Saturn creates balance by restricting the other planets. He is law and money. He is boundaries and discipline. He removes and adds obstacles. The best version of us is not someone that can do whatever they want when they want. The best version of us is someone with parameters. Stop and reflect. Where do you need boundaries? Where do you need discipline? Where do you need balance?
That advice I can apply to myself, honestly. It is what I am trying to apply to myself. I’m not trying hard enough. I too was seeing those numbers before the 777.
Last night I had a vivid dream turned nightmare. At the end of the dream, I was at a restaurant with a pier. It was raining, then it started to pour hard and hit the windows so hard I thought it would break through the glass. I saw that the water spiralled around before it stopped. I was looking out at the pier to see if everybody out there was okay but it was empty. I could see everybody floating in the water under it. Raman, a coworker, was out there somewhere and in the dream, I felt despondent and I woke up with some of that residual feeling.
I woke up at 4 am, the usual time that I get up for work. On my days off I feel refreshed but on my days on, I feel tired. My bedroom window is open and I did wake up to some peacefulness. It was short-lived because my mind is restless. I could hear the leaves in the trees and the windchimes and it’s just my favourite sound. The trees that my mother has in her backyard are my favourite. I don’t know what the tree is called but those leaves are the loudest and it is just better than music to me. There was thunder and lightning for a minute but that went away quickly. Maybe my headache is weather related.
I went to bed with a headache, yes, but I also went to bed in a bad mood. Not just because of work but because of the usual shit with Toni. I clean the kitchen every night before bed. She ends up cooking or whatever after I go to bed and she always leaves her mess for me to clean. Always. Then she adds the dishes she brought to work for lunch. She comes home and immediately just commits to doing the minimum. To doing nothing actually. She starts rolling her joints and then lounges around and feels sorry for herself. I would love to do that but I can’t just do whatever I want, I have to do things that I don’t feel like doing and parent myself. I come home and I clean up the kitchen and make dinner. If I don’t make dinner then Toni will, she will at least have a clean kitchen to work with. She won’t clean up after that also. This woman is a fucking child. She has no self-control, no self-discipline and she reminds me of the worst version of myself. This is why it bothers me so much.
I don’t want my hunger to rule me. I don’t want my libido to rule me. I don’t want my fears and emotions to rule me either. I want to rule myself. I want to govern myself. This carnal mind and this body are too menacing when you really think about it. I know that I am further along on my journey than most people. At least more evolved. This creates insecurity for some and inspiration for others. Maybe it has no effect, whatever. I want to meet people on my level. At least people that are on the same path as me. My buddy at work organizes events and some of them are up my alley. I should go to some of them.
Ew, I just remembered that Toni snapped at me. She is aware that she does this. She mentioned it before. She was working on this with her therapist at the time. Before she quit that. Once things require her to change she taps out. I asked her to take her laundry out of the dryer so that I could change my load that was in the wash. For a split second, she went ballistic. What?! It’s still in there?? Why didn’t you tell me!! First of all… that’s exactly what I am doing. Why does she always have to say the dumb thing and do the dumb thing? I told her that I only noticed moments before I told her. I didn’t need to explain myself, what a dumb dumb.
Anyway, on with my day, I suppose. Toni should be leaving for work in an hour and then I get a whole day to myself. I think I will meditate and do anything but my usual routine. That routine leads to avoidance and procrastination. Blah. All of my technology is pissing me off right now anyways. I’m trying to type and my software keeps interrupting to nag me to update or whatever.