I'm Right Here in The Kid Used To Dream

Spent the afternoon at a family function celebrating one of my sister’s kid’s birthday. We had to pick an odd time due to scheduling but we all made it except our grandmother - she was waiting for a delivery and couldn’t make it.

If you can imagine a table at a restaurant where one end sits against the wall. My sister’s boyfriend, my mom, my niece, my other sister and my stepdad sat on one side. He and mom have been divorced for 15 or so years - but they make the birthdays of the grand kids. On the other side, my sister, my nephew, my son, my wife and myself were seated facing them.

My mom and both sisters are talking about a recent trip to the beach. Mom, our youngest sister, her daughter and our grandmother went together. My mom mentioned that she had gotten sick on a boat ride. I mentioned that I heard once that the only way to overcome seasickness is usually to jump into the water. She said there were sharks around the boat. We had a decent laugh about that. Everyone was getting along then my stepdad says, “you all must not like me for sitting me down here by myself.”

“What do you mean down here by yourself?” I asked.

I decided to grab my phone and escape. Besides, I was supposed to still be working so I could do that.

The table’s conversation switched to several topics and my mom asked me question. As I start to answer, she starts another conversation with one of my sister’s. I said under my breath, “holy crap did that just happen?” My wife wipers, “no one is listening.” Again, I go back to my phone a few minutes. My stepdad mentions that it’s hot. I told him I had been researching the new mini split heat pumps and found them interesting. He replies that they are no different than a window unit and too expensive. Again, my mom has the table and makes a statement about their beach trip and directs a statement towards me. As I am responding, I am looking at my food and talking to her - my wife leans and says, “no one’s listening.” My youngest sister says, “I think she doesn’t remember talking to you.” Then, just rolls her eyes. She and my Mom lives together.

My wife and I needed to take our son to an appointment so we leave early. Everyone around the table throwing shade that we barely touched our food. I pay the bill and find the sweet waitress that had to navigate that party and tip her generously - at least I hope she received it that way.

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is not a cry for help. It is an observation - a dark one. Maybe these experiences is preparing me for something. Maybe, people are just terrible at being thoughtful or caring.

I get it.

If I were struggling with mental Illness and depression this entire situation would have a profound affect on me. The apathy felt from those who are supposed to be your family was difficult. These small shifts in how they communicate with me are becoming magnified in my mind. What did I do to be forgotten? When did I lose the respect and interest in those around me. I’m not the type to seek attention. I want to be heard or allowed to finish without feeling weird about it. If this is the small things that drives people to do terrible things to themselves - I no longer feel sorry for them. I have a profound respect for them and their courage to end the pain that loneliness causes. My sadness shifts to their families who probably sat around the same tables wanting nothing more than to hear themselves and cut that one member short or ignore them altogether. Besides he has it together. He never takes vacations like the rest of us. He is too busy chasing dreams and working. If we need him, really need him he’s always there. He absolutely drops everything to pick up where we can’t finish the task. He’s the one we ask the hard questions to. They don’t see him though. They obviously don’t hear him. Why, it would take less than 3 weeks to move on if he wasn’t around anymore.

I understand how that works on a person now. All the people I know who’s lives ended short and their own family came out and said, “we never saw it because they were so happy.” I get it. I bet in their own realm they were happy when they were alone. But that type of loneliness has never bothered them. When no one was around they captured the world in a moment of time where they felt free and alive. Yet, when you are sitting at a table with nine people who is supposed to be your family and you experience a side of loneliness that makes you think - loneliness has 2 faces. This side of it is upsetting. It doesn’t bring me comfort. It’s not the liberating side of being left alone.

So, that’s my escape. It’s not putting a plan together to satisfy ending that pain. You know why? Because, all they would do is soak up all the attention while my body lays in a box. They would absolutely use their own tears as currency to once again ignore me. No!

I will reacquaint myself with loneliness. She has served me well my entire life. I will grow old with her and not give them the satisfaction of taking anything else from me. I can live alone in a crowded room and use the best defense - I will ignore them. Sure, they will continually ask me what seems to be bothering me. They will become therapist and try to throw me on to their proverbial couch and have me express my feelings. But why would you want to know then, when I’m here now?

Last updated July 29, 2022