Hate. in The Devil Beneath My Feet

I hate going to the doctor in general. For anything. The only doctor I don't mind all that much is my dermatologist, namely because she never tells me to get naked, but also because she is no-nonsense and doesn't fuck around, she's aggressive with treatment, she doesn't sit around waiting to see if a topical ointment works first like every other dermatologist I've ever seen.

But the doctor I hate most of all is my OBGYN. I know it's necessary, but I still despise it. It's awkward and terrible to begin with but for some reason I always get extremely anxious whenever I go. Doesnt matter who the doctor is, I hated my last one too. Yesterday was terrible.

My PCP gave me a pap, and sent it away. I figured it would be fine, why would it not be? Well it came back abnormal. Lo and behold she doesn't actually TREAT abnormal paps (so what the fuck was the point of her doing it in the first place?!) didn't give me any information past it being abnormal, and referred me to Dr. Delma. So I go to that appointment yesterday, not really knowing what to expect. I'm informed that I'll be getting a biopsy done on my cervix and oh by the way since you only experience "a little" pain, no anesthetic for you, and also some women claim to have cramps for up to a full 7 days after the fact.

This is all coming as a massive shock to my already anxious self, so I tell her to hold up a minute. Explain to me why I have to have a biopsy, nobody has explained ANYTHING to me so far and I'm not appreciating it, I'm starting to get angry, I will NOT go into this blindly. She explains everything, in detail, apologizes that no one has explained anything so far, said she just assumed my PCP would have gone over this with me, and tells me everything I'm in for step by step. She's a good doctor, don't get me wrong, definitely worth every bit of her PhD. But now I'm absolutely terrified because the word cancer has been said , and cannot be unsaid.

Pre-cancerous cells, or something, to be honest I made a stink about nobody explaining anything but the moment I heard cancer there was a ringing in my ears that drowned everything else out.

Delma noticed I was being spoken to but not quite grasping what was being said, and have me that big smile she has and said "you don't have cancer. That's what we're doing, making sure you don't have cancer, and that you don't get cancer. I am confident that you do not have cancer, but this is just to be absolutely sure beyond a shadow of doubt. It's over quickly, don't worry."

It was not over quickly, it was embarrassing having my hooha out in the open under a microscope, it hurt immensely, it stung, and burned, the clamps were too big and the cramps I experienced afterwards were enough to put me in the fetal position. After it was finally over, she made me lie back and put wet towels on my forehead and neck, sufficiently ruining my makeup to add insult to injury. Told me to lie down and she'd be back in a few minutes to talk and have me get dressed. Fuck that. The fucking second that door closed I got dressed, put my shoes on, threw out the paper gown and sat in a chair and waited for her. She came back, was surprised I was already up and scolded me briefly on not waiting for her. I told her "I'm sorry but there was no way I was spending another moment with no pants on. No offense but I hate coming to see you. Not you, but this office." She laughed, said all her patients love to hate her.

Said it'll take two weeks for the results to come back from the lab, made my followup appointment and got the fuck out of there.

So here's to hoping I don't have cancer. If I do, it's hysterectomy city for me. I have no use for any of these organs anyway, I hate children for the most part and have no intention of ever having my own. If I could schedule one tomorrow I would.