drowning in Second 1st

We were out, I don’t remember what I was talking about but I had said “Sometimes, I can be such a stubborn bitch.” Rocky went suddenly angry. I said “I don’t know what I said just now but I’m sorry whatever it was.” Him “That’s the problem right now Jennifer. You can be stubborn. This thing about talking to Jake is very stubborn.” Just recalled that we were on our way to the Chiropractor and I said “Why do you want to talk about this stuff at the most inappropriate times?”.... we changed the subject and went on with our day.....

Went and got groceries and Rocky started saying his stomach was hurting. I don’t know if I believe it.... The doctor had said something like “If there is more bleeding as in amount if you have a lot of pain....” neither one of us remember because he wasn’t hurting then.... and I honestly think he was hurting last night for 2 reasons.... one being because the doctor had asked and the second being because he didn’t want to talk.....

Sitting around the living room yesterday afternoon… before dinner.... I said “now is an appropriate time to talk. What were you saying about me now being friends with Jake?” “Well, we can’t work on anything while you are still talking to him.” “I fail to see how my relationship with him has anything to do with us “fixing things” and What are we doing Rocky? You don’t want to talk about it and act like it never happened.” Even as I was talking then he was shutting me out I could see it physically.... leaning his head back closing his eyes. “I don’t want to give up someone acting like they WANT to talk to me, here you are acting like it’s a big problem. I don’t know how we are supposed to talk this out if you don’t want to talk at all.” “What are you going to do when the consoler asks you to stop talking to Jake?” “I”m going to ask how that has anything to do with this? We don’t have sex Rocky, how does someone else wanting me make you want me just not happen? How does talking to someone make you want to talk to me less? I am with you during the week I’m not on my phone all the time talking to him but here you are watching TV while I’m making bead earrings.” There was a bit of quiet then. “I’ll call tomorrow about pricing.” … we will see.... he’s been saying that since we got back and still hasn’t…

We ate dinner and watched some TV together and it was 7:30 by the time I got to lay down. He volunteered to take care of the leftovers and said he’d be coming in shortly and that we might have sex. I gave Jake a warning because honestly, that’s usually when I message him freely, just before sleep. When Rocky came in he was complaining about his stomach and I told him no sex would be fine if he wasn’t up for it. .... he took the out and we went to sleep....

Yesterday morning Jake reported that his phone had been involved in a toilet drowning by Cian (his son) … on accident of course. Jake had .... probably jokingly asked if Dest or I had a spare phone. It wasn’t that long ago we’d gotten new ones and I checked my drawer. I also hunted down a small tablet that was collecting dust too. We haven’t used it in years I think but it should run YouTube and a few games to cut down risk to the cell. Packaged those up and shipped then out. Rocky asked “weren’t we going to take the phones up to that kiosk thing and get some money for them?” ” If we were we would have done it already. You can take yours it’s still in the drawer.” .... shrugs whatever....

Talked to Destiny this morning “I can’t wait for you to move here.” She knows I have to put in an effort to fix this but also doesn’t see Rocky changing at all and is tired of my misery.

Was thinking some of the worst thoughts as I drove around this morning on deliveries.... What am I going to do for my health? I won’t have insurance and there are medications I need just to function :( That’s not something I’ve ever had to worry about alone.... Dr. visits and finding Dr’s who have a clue about Meniere’s … and then I think.... it’s not in stone… stop worrying over things you have no clue about just yet.... but… well ya’ll see it right? We are likely doomed....