A Bad 24 Hours inc Car Crash. in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

So the last few weeks have been a bit hectic and have all culminated in somewhat of a stopping point for me from last night, I have a couple of friends only entries hence my lack of not writing since Feb, this obviously isn't the case but those have no bearing on what I want to say here today.

My mum has successfully completed her 4 week course of treatment for both chemo / radium, it has been a very long and stressful road over the 4 weeks and the truth is since the diagnosis, I've taken no time whatsoever for myself, all my annual leave I took from work (booked prior to the diagnosis) all ironically fell on dates where building work on the house was to be completed and hospital appointments were needed. I begrudge none of this but it has meant that my time to process what is going on and what all of this means has been limited to nonexistent.

Family have hounded me, left, right and centre for updates and constant reports, I don't think they realise how it feels being from my point, it's not something I blame them for but this seems to happen ALL the time when it comes to potential bereavement within the family or something truly serious like this. I'm detached but it means that people keep messaging me and hounding me about various things, reminders as though I'm a forgetful person (I'm really not). I know it is down to relatives worrying and wanting to make sure she is okay and what not so let's not think this is a gripe about them it's not it's just to put things how they are. I am truly thankful and grateful for the support my mother has in her situation, I've been very lucky with how much she has to be honest.

Since the diagnosis though my body has slept at night but my mind is working overtime on what would otherwise be complex emotions regarding all of this, I've not relaxed since the diagnosis, nor have I had anytime to myself to actually process things, I'm going through the motions, the being there, the sympathy, the empathy where needed, I am supportive, caring and I am there to make sure no one will wrong my mother in this situation.

The NHS have royally fucked her around but thanks to relatives and myself this has come to an abrupt end, big complaints are going in at mistreatment etc but I digress.

I suppose I may as well get to the main point, my mum was rushed into hospital on Monday due to breathing problems, she was a mess and asked me not to come over, I respected that wish but have taken the rest of the week off after seeing her Tuesday and she isn't doing great at all, the doctors suspected a blood clot / infection in her lungs, thankfully this is not the case as we found out tonight.

Last night though it seems things reached a point for me, to explain in brief I have accumulated a lot of time at work in terms of working overtime etc and claiming no pay. I did this months ago and agreed that if I needed the time off due to what was going on I could take it as needed, last night at 18:30 my manager (a new cover manager, who started on the same day as me) called me to discuss what was going on, to put it bluntly he was a fucking prick, the questioning was in the realms of me justifying why I couldn't come into work and what I had been doing all day, why I couldn't come in on the Wednesday and what I would be doing then. I'd have forgiven his ignorance if he didn't know the situation but I made sure personally he was apprised of everything, now bearing in mind that I have taken at this point 1 day and 1 hour to deal with my mum. I've fitted in around work in a very accommodating and big way, so this line of questioning royally pissed me off.

We ended up having a heated debate, I say debate I told him how it was and that I didn't appreciate the questioning seeing as I am owed a fuck ton of time from work as it currently stands anyway, his excuse was that it must be justified. We went back and forth even with him suggesting I could come in for an hour or so in the interim, at this point I advised him, it's my mum, from this infection after such intense treatment she could die, so fuck off I'm not coming in and that is the end of this discussion.

So last night driving home on the motorway from the hospital I was so wound up by things I was rehashing crap in my mind to much and lost focus for a moment, I clipped the side of a barricade on a turn off and managed to spin out onto an embankment, my first accident. Needless today that Tuesday was a shit day.

So I lost control of my car for a moment, thankfully when trying to make my turn I'd already checked that no one else was near, I actually use my mirrors and indicators like a religion so when I spun out nobody was near, my car ended up slamming onto the embankment as I said, partially onto the lane and my back was somewhat sore from the slam.

I got out of the car and checked where I was exactly after a few moments of wtf have I just done and my back hurts, I saw how far over the car was so I waited and moved it so that it wasn't on the road anymore and safe on the embankment fully, soon after both the police, ambulance car and highway agency arrived, all I could do at this point was realise that I needed sometime to myself, get through what was about to happen and just take some time for me.

The police officer questioned me with a sarcastic tone at first "So, I've heard what happened, do you want to give it a go and describe it?" I looked at him and told him I'd fucked up from a momentary lapse in judgement, he looked at me and asked me to describe what happened, I complied and he finally asked me where the vehicle ended up, I pointed to somewhere close but give or take a meter, he asked me why my car was where it was then.

I told him the truth, it was in the way, someone else could easily have clipped it and this whole situation could have been worse, so I checked to see if the car would start and I moved it off the road, end of. He looked at me a bit puzzled in truth, he checked my record (no points, accidents or any other driving offences) he believed my story and actually helped me get the car off the embankment and onto the hard shoulder of the motorway, he told me that there was no damage except to my own vehicle and he'd no interest in putting in any request for any third party damage as there was none, no charges would be filed as it was clearly an accident and I had the foresight to move the vehicle to prevent harm to anyone else even after being in an accident myself.

The police drove off and I was left with the highway agency, they were fucking brilliant to be honest, really, really helpful and supportive, they gave me a lot of options on how to resolve the crap storm I was in, yes some involved money but the option to get off the motorway I took with them escorting me didn't. I can't go into depth about that entire thing because it was mostly idle chit chat but they were very reassuring and actually human beings about the whole thing, they really helped and to be honest said they could see I was having a really shit day and didn't want to add to it. That meant a lot.

The NHS guy prior to the policeman wanted to take me to the hospital, back to the same one my mum was in, oh God no lol, I had back pain on the initial slam but who wouldn't? Still pushed my car out the ditch with the policeman so he left it alone, especially after I filled him in on her situation and why I didn't want to worry her, he understood and left it alone.

I called a friend who is also my mechanic, he came and grabbed me and we got the car to his safely enough, the damage will be assessed and I'll have some shit to pay out but I took a few things away from yesterday.

1) I am truly thankful for the kindness of strangers ( I didn't mention the family who stopped to call the emergency services for me, fair play to that family)

2) I am thankful that the police, NHS and highway agency dealt with me on my merits and treated me like a decent guy having a shit day, we all got out of the situation calmly and collectively all the way through and it was the best way.

3) I do not deal in woulda, shoulda, coulda, I deal in facts and the fact is yesterday I was fucking lucky, nobody else was hurt, I've walked away and my car can be repaired. End of, I won't even joke about the luck of that situation, factually it could have been a lot worse. I am thankful it wasn't.

4) I have to take a little time for me, I'm fantastic at suppressing emotions but after a few months of nonstop protection a crack appeared and it caused a mess, I could say that this is unheard of but when I got for months of non stop duty I do have small cracks, so this evening and tomorrow evening I am taking time for just me and making sure I get back up to full speed again.

5) I can lie to my mum and say my car cracked its exhaust on a speed bump so it has had to go to the garage, there is no need to tell her the truth and worry her more, I'm thankful to be in a position to do this.

So in 24 - 48 hours I should hopefully be 'me' again but I do need to take some time for myself and avoid trying to be there for everyone, the truth is that is not my job.

Regards, G

Last updated June 11, 2014