...means nothing to me.
It's hard to constently be disappointed and then exspectd to not have a negative attitude towards her constant talk. Because that's all it really is is talk. I hate feeling this way toward my own mother but she has made too many promises she has broken.
Smoking is a personal choice, I get that. If you want to kill your self with those cancer sticks, that's your life and your choice but I don't want to be subject to another person's addiction. And that's what she's done to me and my siblings all our lives.
My mom and dad both smoked when I was born but my dad quit when I was younger. I remember it, he was always chewing gum. My mom has tried to quit smoking many times, promising she was never going to pick up a cigaret again, and then within a week back to her old habits.
I hate cigarettes, I hate them so much. She knows this, she knows my sister and bother both have asthma too, and she knows we all hate them. Yet she ignores us and lights one up right there in the living room with all of us around.
I understand, it's her home, she should be allowed to smoke in her own home, but she's not the only one living in this house, it's our home too, and it's not fair for us to have to leave the living room just to avoid the smoke.
I had a blow out with her a week ago, the smoke was really bothering me and I told her since the weather was warmer there's no reason for her not to smoke out side, amung other things that weren't too kind. She got mad at me and verbally defective. It mad me angery and a little hurt. The next morning she made a comment about how sorry she was for hurting the people around her with her ciggarets and promised to through them out.
I thought maybe she came to this conclusion over something I had said to her that night. But it wasn't me, it was someone else who she "hurt" that made her apologize. That made me hurt and angry even more, even a little jelous.
For awhile she was doing good, not smoking. Then she turned to electronic cigarettes. That didn't bother me, it's just water vapor. But then it just stopped. She's smoking again, I knew when I could smell the smoke threw my bedroom window that she was smoking out side, but the just tonight, she was going to light one up right there in front of me again until I asked her if she was going to go out side.
So what happend to that apology? What made you give up? It vexses me to the point of tears. Nothing she says will ever be taking seriously by me ever again, why did I even bother hoping things would change? I know better and yet I still allowed my self to think that maybe this time would be the last time...
Ha! Yeah right. I'm just a fool.
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