Rocky in just testing

My relationship.

Thank God some days have passed and I don't remember all the gory details.

Friday me and Will had a really massive fight.

It started with him working Sundays. As you may or may not know, he's been picking up a lot of Sundays for extra cash and it seems like everyone in the world thinks that him doing this is fantastic. But my lonliness eats away at me! And makes me pick fights with him.

SO we had a fight. My fault entirely because I am always boiling about that subject.

I GET why he does it. We're not rich, I'm still struggling with my debt, and he wants to pad the savings account.

Who doesn't need more money??

I know I have daddy issues. My father left me, and ignored me, from about 8 years old to now. And it's made me clingy and needy and I guess unreasonable when it comes to time with whoever I'm dating at the time. In this case, my husband.

He doesn't understand this. Or he does understand, but doesn't think it's reasonable, logical, etc.

He doesn't think my loneliness is a reason to give up overtime money. I should be an adult and understand that the money he makes is for us, for a rainy day or an unexpected expense. It's very responsible and I'm acting childish.

But our fights are never logical, or reasonable. He goes into a yelling rage and gets very nasty. It balloons to way bigger than the original issue and he knows that he got out of control.

So not because he wouldn't stop working Sundays, but because he got over the top nasty to someone he supposedly loves, I asked him to leave. To separate. For him to find his own place in the near future. He can take all his 'toys' and we'd probably divorce.

I always resort to divorce. And I shouldn't , but I don't do it to be manipulative. I'm very serious when I bring it up. Throughout the whole fight I wasn't yelling at him [tho he was yelling at me the entire time] until I got to the point where I was ready to end it all.

That broke him down, because I was so serious. He stopped yelling and we started talking.

He's not working the next 3 Sundays BUT I'm sure he will again. And I'm going to try and be more understanding about why he needs to do this for us.

The biggest shocker is that he said he was trying to prepare for the future and maybe having kids. This is the first time he's said that he wanted kids. He's usually said that he would have kids cause I wanted them but he never wanted them on his own.

I feel like now that more than half of his friends have kids and are loving it, he feels more ready.

But now I'm not. And I told him that he spent so much time avoiding kids that I, over many months, have been getting used to the idea of NOT having kids. Kids are great but there's also a lot of responsibility and struggle that maybe I don't want. The financial strain, the lack of freedom. I don't mean to offend anyone but me an Will can't afford a bigger place - or a bigger car - or anything really. It may sound stupid to think about things like college but, college is expensive - if we dont' have the money now - how are we gonna afford it later when we have even less money because we've been raising a kid?!

I feel like it would wreck our relationship even more than it is. I don't want to fight like this around a child, over the child. The child will bring strain and change our lives and I'm not sure it's for the better.

And I told him all this.

I kinda didn't care that he's decided NOW, after 6 years of telling me he doesn't want kids, and convincing me that life is better for US without THEM, to change his mind. Cause now I don't want them! And I don't like being jerked around.

Sunday he didn't work and we had a really wonderful time. Just food shopping and Netflix watching and protected sex multiple times LOL. That's what I want! That's the kind of weekend I want! It sucks when he works Sunday.

ANYWAY - after going over our argument and esp. the baby part I felt kinda bad that maybe he did want a baby and I stomped on his idea. So I tried to bring it up twice. Once over the phone and once on text. Both times I even tried to bring up HIM wanting a baby, he froze and would literally stop talking.

I don't even know what that means. Did he just say the baby thing cause he thought it's what I wanted to hear and he didn't mean it? Did I shock him so much when I said I actually didn't want a baby that he doesn't know what to say?

Well I got kinda pissed that he becomes mute over the topic that he brought up that my last text was "I got used to not having kids, so lets just leave it that way" - he of course, did not respond.

I don't even know what to feel about that. Part of me is like 'hah! shoe's on the other foot now. Now you know how it feels to want a baby and need your partner to be on board and they refuse so that means you can't have it" - cause that's how I felt for a long time.

But I'm not doing it for revenge. I mean what I said, I have spent a long time getting used to the idea of NOT having kids and life without kids is not a bad thing - just a different thing. I've been making plans for my money, for spoiling myself [within reason] as opposed to spending every dime making the best life for my child and ignoring myself, yet again.

I can still spoil all the kids in my life. Will's sister and now my sister. The blood test revealed she's actually 7 weeks pregnant. And I'm excited for her. And I know she's gonna need money and help and I am happy to be able to do that for her.

It's kinda like working at the daycare. I can get all the cuteness of a baby and then when they get a runny nose or a leaky diaper, I send them off to be cleaned up and then I play with them again!

I get all the fun and none of the responsibility! Maybe this job is just what I needed to fulfill the baby craving I once had!

I dunno where Will got this baby idea but he doesn't know all the work it entails and I just don't think he can handle it without raging out. And I'm not taking care of a baby on my own while he works 7 days a week to pay for it.

It's just been a rough week so far and I still feel shaken up by it.

Something must be in the water because my co worker is on the edge of breaking up with her long time boyfriend too. I feel bad for her. She's 23 and she's beautiful so I know if her relationship ends, she'll find someone else but I've been brokenhearted at 23 and you feel like your world ends and I feel bad if she has to go through that.

Whew, that was long. Nite!