So i didn't die... in Piscis moon

If i had scheduled an appointment with a psychologist, i probably would have began today’s session with the following:

For five years… eight if i count highschool i always thought i would at somepoint commit suicide and during my university years i always thought “Hey no pressure to do it now, i’m sure at some moment knowing my life i’ll have enough and i will end it, no need to rush it, you won’t make it to graduation” and with that mentality i graduated with a 9.3 gpa, cheating my way though the career on most times because “it simply wouldn’t matter”.
I have to admit maybe if i hadn’t taken a semester abroad i would have killed myself that semester but i did take it. Now it’s not like the shallow experience that motivated me to keep going or maybe it is… I think being away from my drug dealing dad and victimizing personality of a mother did the trick not to mention the fact that i just hated going to school during that season. Before i continue, my mom isn’t that bad… at some point i thought i only had daddy issues but then again it’s a family issues kind of situation… and even then i love her, i guess i love him too but thats part of the issue: loving people that have no emotional responsability towards themselves, no self-love, no self worthiness. And i get it, we’re all just trying to do our best here, but most times me understanding things turns into me justifying them. After two intents of trying to kill myself, the universe blessed me with nights of laying down in bed, feeling the sufficating warmth of another city, refusing to go to bed just to enjoy the happiness, i would lay down and be grateful of my friends, of the experiences, of life, thanking the god i don’ believe in for allowing me know that feeling.
Fastfoward a year after graduation, life hasn’t been so bad:
1. I’ve leant to have sex without being high and being remindend of the two times i’ve been raped.
2. I found a stessful corp. job i’m “good at”.
3. A taurus broke my heart and got engaged after telling me he wasn’t looking for anything serious. And i know thats for another story but just to give you a preview it ended in me blowing up his phone with two or maybe three bible sized mesaages asking him to explain to me why he had ghosted me while crying on the bathroom floor because i thought i was pregant while the possible dad didn’t even text me back. I wasn’t pregnant, but my heart was broken.
4. I realized i like girls, not girls just one… Kate… and i don’t just like her, she’s the first person i have told i love you to. It scares me to think i’m lying though, not because i want to lie to her but because all my life i had thought you can’t be loved or love unless you love yourself… so i get scared maybe im not doing it right.
With all the above the presure these last few weeks have been unbearable and that is considering my family has stayed in the margins of making noise, they do have problems and i provide when i can but it’s nothing compared to a few months back when i thought my dad would end up dead and they broke into our house and his buisness and one of his “friends” that later would rob him and call the cops on him had been watching me on social media and following me everywhere, making sure i got the message when he added me to close friends and uploaded guns to instastories. I don’t feel enough.
1. Because of the years of bearly passing though university i get overly stressed because now that i am trying this whole “living” thing, i feel like there is so much i need to already know taking me to over work and not feeling good enough. At my job, people don’t know this a coworker that isn’t trying to fuck me has told me he looks up to me and how smart i am little does he know i fake it until i make it.
2. My relationship with kate is consuming, i don’t go out anymore to avoid conflicts. And i know how toxic that may sound but … there is no but i take this choice consciously but i know it’s bad. I love her and we’re still tring to figure it out.
3. I don’t laugh anymore, at least not genuinly… I don’t have friends… and the ones a i do have i constantly feel like im failing then by not checking up or hanging out or being there but thing is with kate in the picture and my work overload i bearly have time to wash my face at night. I dont check up in myself, i don’t hang out with myself, i’m also not there with myself. And people let’s say it together “PEOPLE CAN’T GIVE WHAT THEY DON’T HAVE”
4. Physically, i’m fat…now this isn’t a fatphobic thing i just don’t eat well, i have no time or money for a gym, and this has cause me to not be confortable with my body and not confortable having sex either.
5. Emotionally i’m drained.

Last updated June 19, 2022