It’s been in the works for a while now. I went a few weeks without a drink not even that long ago, but last weekend, with all the friends and family in town for the baby shower, I definitely had some drinks.
I don’t really ever get drunk, but if I don’t check myself I can string together a week or two having a few beers every day. I space them out over several hours, just kind of getting a bit of a buzz.
But I’m really not supposed to be drinking as a bipolar person and DEFINITELY not supposed to be drinking as a bipolar medicated person…and that’s a whole thing, and truthfully I wish I cared more about that, but I really don’t. However…that topic is kind of a part of the catalyst for todays reinvigoration to commit to not drinking.
The real issue is that before the pandemic I was waiting tables. I also freelanced as a web designer, but I liked the freedom that came from restaurants and freelance work…and why this is important is because I was walking miles and miles every week. As a server in a restaurant I would easily walk 5-10 miles a shift, and on top of that I was hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. I was in pretty good shape.
I lost my job on Friday, March 13th 2020 because my restaurant closed…because every restaurant closed.
Also, the gyms closed…and it became INCREDIBLY taboo to be outside, so even going out jogging or taking a walk was pretty much out of the question for…a long time, actually. It was bizarre. I mean, you know…you were there.
So I ended up getting a full time software gig that I could work from home, which means I traded freedom and exercise (for a steady paycheck, though, so that’s nice…I’m not complaining)
Also, before the pandemic I was drinking very little…but then uh…well, you know…shit kind of got wild and just kept getting wilder for a long time. We were locked down for almost two years. And for a bunch of reasons that I don’t want to get into, because of the pandemic and then just a whole bunch of life changes, I kind of lost my shit and I was coping by self medicating with alcohol. Which is never really a great idea.
So, I gained a bunch of weight…and I don’t feel good about it…and I don’t feel good in general because gaining a bunch of weight typically has that effect on people. And you know what? A bunch of sugary liquid empty calories don’t really help people lose weight, it turns out. Who would have thought?
So my wife has been wanting me to get back into shape…hell, I want to get back into shape. But again, it’s not easy with the sugar empty liquid bread. So she’s been bugging me about not drinking, at least until I get back in shape. And I’ll string together a couple of weeks, maybe three weeks, and I’ll exercise a whole bunch and make some progress, and then I’ll have a work party or something…typically at a brewery or something…and social events make me super nervous and anxious these days, so I’ll have a few beers at the function.
Then suddenly it’s like two weeks later and I’ve had a few beers every day for two weeks…so then I go another few weeks without drinking…rinse and repeat.
It’s fucking infuriating.
Beer is just this…security blanket…for so many reasons. And I don’t want to get into all the reasons, but I love beer. I even drink non-alcoholic beer sometimes on the weeks where I’m not drinking, like if we go out to eat or something. I just love beer.
So anyway…ended up having a conversation with someone today that I ultimately just took as a nudge to really commit to this shit.
The thing is, I can’t sit here and commit to never drinking again.
I just…can’t do that.
Hell, even people in AA can’t do that.
And I think the “one day at a time” thing is stupid.
I’m fine going one day, two days, three days…three weeks, a month.
I just usually get to a point where I’m like, “Yeah, but…beer though. Things are much better with beer”
Like today, I’m not sitting here biting my nails. I’m not like, “I would literally kill someone for a drink right now.” I was actually already planning on not drinking today, and I don’t feel any desire to do so…but I know I’m going to want to at some point down the road.
So here’s the deal.
Definitely no more drinking for several days in a row. The pandemic is over, right? Everything is totally fine now, right? The world has healed, everyone is happier than they’ve ever been. It’s not like Russia and China are running propaganda right now telling their citizens to prepare for the US to attack them, fanning the flames of a full blown World War 3…and it’s not like everything is super expensive or anything, to the point where we’re paying $7 for a gallon of gas and go through a tank and a half of gas a week just for our van…
Okay okay, see these are all dumb excuses to be so scared I drink…we don’t need those.
Drinking for fun, now that’s the ticket!
But for right now, I’m going to focus on getting healthy.
I’d like to lose 40 lbs
So maybe I don’t even entertain the thought of drinking until I reach that goal?
Does that sound realistic? I don’t even know, to be totally honest, haha.
But seriously, I need to get in shape.
Ever since I had covid I haven’t ever felt 100%…and I want to stick around a long time for my kids, and one thing I know for sure is that diet and exercise…just being in shape in general, is pretty much the only way to improve your chances of sticking around.
But then the conversation that kind of pushed me is the whole…bipolar people, medicated bipolar people, aren’t supposed to be drinking at all.
So I dunno…I’m going to take this seriously but also go easy on myself if I make a mistake…as long as I can keep it as a mistake and not just be like, “Well…it wouldn’t hurt to drink again today, I’ll stop tomorrow” but then tomorrow is like five days later.
I don’t have a lot of confidence in the idea that I can stop drinking forever, haha. I just don’t want to…but I DO want to get healthy.
Shit…maybe I should go on a bender and do something I regret enough to want to stop drinking. HAHAHAHAHA....oh man, that just brings back memories of my 20s.
Nah. I got this. It’s time to get healthy.
That’s important enough to me.
Let’s do this.
I just wish Kombucha was cheaper, I could just drink two or three kombucha every day instead, but those things are almost $5 a pop. What the hell?
Love you tons
Thanks for listening
You rock, rock.
Maybe if I ever lose 40 lbs I’ll post a picture of my great progress and then we can all celebrate with a drink.