They tested me for ADHD in middle school a bunch of times…like three times. They tested me several times because the test came back and said I didn’t have it, but everyone was like, “Uh…yeah this kid has ADHD”. They said I cheated, but then I kept answering the questions the same way. So they were stumped. Hmmm…that word looks like it should be spelled “stumpped” or maybe “stummped”
Maybe I did cheat? I don’t really remember. I was super angry when I was 13. I was also unhinged. My Bipolar was really starting to manifest for the first time and I was scary to people, and I could feel I was scary to people, and that’s a lot for a kid to take…especially a sensitive kid who doesn’t know what the hell is going on.
In 8th grade I got called into the principals office one day and there were police officers there and they told me I had to go to a special school. They thought I was going to be a school shooter. I had to go to this school with security guards and we were locked in a room all day…one of those portable classrooms outside the school. We went into the school to eat lunch after all of the regular kids finished eating lunch, and we weren’t allowed to speak to or look at anyone inside the school.
We also had a daily walk where we were escorted by security and we went around and picked up trash around the school.
You know…it really did wonders for my self esteem, and if I didn’t want to start killing other people before, it definitely didn’t stoke that flame inside of me and just make me a ball of rage who felt less than human…at all. It was super healing. Being treated like a dangerous freak helped me a lot and I’m super grateful for it.
Anyway…I was in and out of mental hospitals all through junior high. That was also really good for my self esteem.
The good thing is that I was in the mental hospitals with a bunch of older kids who taught me the fundamentals of how to buy and sell drugs, along with an assortment of other criminal activities that I could engage in in my spare time. So that was also very helpful to my development. Getting arrested three times before you turn 18 is character building. Starting down the path of healthy drug addiction when you’re 13 is a right of passage into manhood and I’m grateful for that.
I’ve always just kind of chalked my inability to focus on things as “well, those things are boring and I’ve got big shit to do.” But, especially since I’ve been working from home over the last 2 years or so, I’ve been noticing that I really do have a hard time focusing. And it’s been making me look back on my life and I see patterns of just so so so many started and unfinished projects.
I can’t sit through a movie.
I can’t even sit through an entire episode of a show unless I’m drunk and stoned.
Oh, that’s another thing. I can focus if I’m drinking. It’s like it slows my brain down.
Drinking also stops the voices…it’s such a terrible fucking way to self medicate.
I have a hard time finishing books, sleeping, reading short articles…I honestly can’t even believe that I finished this latest album.
But this last couple of weeks we’ve had a pretty insane deadline…like…seriously just a stupid deadline that keeps getting pushed back, because of course it does, but that didn’t stop us all from working straight through the weekend.
So I was given some adderall…and I took the adderall. I’ve been taking it for a few days now. Since Saturday.
I’ve been able to concentrate at work. I have been drinking less. I’ve been sleeping better. I’ve been more present with my family when I’m done with work.
My psych doesn’t listen to me at all…but I need a new one anyway. There are some sites I know I can get adderall through, but I’d rather go through a psych since that’s what I’m used to. But like…I have chronic anxiety and my psych won’t give me anything that actually works for it…I take an antihistamine for anxiety…which does pretty much nothing…that’s what she prescribed anyway. So of course I supplement it with a neurotropic that I buy from Russia. I’m sure it’s fine. I mean, if it’s not on the dark web and I can use a credit card…it’s gotta be fine, right?
I’ve also heard there’s this new ADHD med that’s not adderall that’s supposed to be a miracle drug. Hey, I’m down. I don’t really get the euphoria thing from adderall anyway, so it’s not like I’d be missing out on that. I just want to be able to get my fucking work done.
I also have a couple of books I’d like to write.
And three more albums worth of material to record.
And it turns out sleeping is actually pretty cool.
…maybe I’ll just start making meth.
How hard can it be?
I’ve seen Breaking Bad three times all the way through.
Never give up