My daughter mentioned the word ‘predator’ last night and I had to give her a pretty broad explanation of what that is. I told her that is usually an adult that’s not safe and appropriate with children. I mentioned how safe adults don’t ask kids to keep secrets and how if we feel unsafe around an adult that it’s completely okay to tell me or someone else that she thinks is safe. It’s hard explaining stuff like this because she is still so small but I feel like I do the best I can without scaring her or worrying that she’s going to be overly cautious of people.
We went to the park for a little bit and then left when it started to rain. I had her do some homework on her computer but she said it was boring about halfway through so I’m already anticipating this being a bit stressful for her to get it done everyday. She liked it overall but there was some she didn’t quite understand so hopefully the more she does it, she’ll start to get the hang of it.
I’ve started laundry and just doing some light house cleaning. I’ve been thinking a lot about getting a job once my daughter starts kindergarten and I’m definitely feeling pretty anxious. Once she’s back in school, it’ll be the 2 year mark since I’ve worked a real job and I just hope whatever job I find, it’s going to be a really fun/laidback work place that respects my availability. I worry that I’ll get a job that will expect me to stay late everyday and I won’t know that until I’m comfortable and then I’ll be looking for something else.
It’s unfortunate that my Mom can’t watch her but she doesn’t really like to babysit at all and because we’ve had enough problems and falling outs that I wouldn’t be able to rely on her. I also don’t want to have the worry about my Dad being around because my Mother can’t stand up to him. He wants to keep an eye on my Mom with having access to my child and I just wouldn’t be able to concentrate at work because all I would do is worry he’s around my kid. I refuse to put myself in that position.
I think it’s just maddening to not only have to worry about any kind of predator but when the person is part of your family, it hits a lot different. I literally hate him and have nothing to do with him whatsoever unless he’s sitting there listening to our conversation and butts in. I don’t call, text, invite him to my house or ask of his presence for my child and the guy still doesn’t get it. I used to think that he just pushed himself around to make me mad but I realize that it’s because of his intense need to try and harm my child. Predators are very oppurtunistic and he’s always made it pretty clear that he can’t be trusted and I’m still angry with my Mom for bringing her around him when I was in the hospital with Covid because she didn’t feel that she could stand up to him so it was easier to have my daughter around someone that’s out to harm her.
My sympathy and understanding for her being married to him is about gone. I don’t know how she lives with herself knowing how he’s treated her and his own kids for the last 42 years and still won’t take the steps to get divorced and be done. It’s unfortunate that she chooses to keep living with him and let him rule her entire existence but not okay that she thinks we should all put up with him too. I honestly can’t even stand the sight of the guy and would be happy to never be around him again. Even now close to 40, he still makes me extremely uncomfortable and I get the creeps being anywhere near him.
I’m still very resentful of my Mom for not going through with the divorce and staying divorced. I think my Mom has a lot of issues of her own and it’s bullshit for her to think it’s okay for us to be part of it. My older brother and I have enough to deal with and worry about. I’m just glad we got her birthday over with and now we won’t have to worry about being at their house for quite some time.